Pet Peeves

For Richer or Pourer

I was high in anticipation to read the Indy’s “In Laguna, More Choices for a Good Pour.” Then I didn’t hit ‘a morning after hangover’ and realized much of the article dealt with a new non-alcoholic beer. Blasphemy. What good is a beer that doesn’t tempt a hangover? Oops. Speaking of pours, here come the nasty comments from readers. My in-basket runneth over. So please readers, tilt your computers to the side to avoid frothy, foamy comments.

Nobody cries over spilled beer if it’s non-alcoholic. I know such things. I delivered beer to bars as a young man. Here are plusses to non-alcoholic beer when it’s spilled. It doesn’t stick to your shoes. The next morning it smells like potpourri. People who imbibe in non-alcoholic beer have a secret desire to be Uber drivers. Non-alcoholic beer drinkers don’t need liver transplants and keep the medical costs of Obamacare down. Non-alcoholic beer drinkers are good family men, who can be counted on never wasting money to buy rounds of regular beer pitchers after the company softball games.

See readers, I just said some nice things about non-alcoholic beer. That’s balanced reporting. Column moderation is important. Scratch that. I’m really saying that column moderation is important so I appear sensitive and mentally hinged. My sober neural pathways understand drinkers who order water-backs and support wine drinkers who put ice cubes in their wines. (Pause). Nah. Scratch that thinking again. I fess up to being insensitive and mentally unhinged. Next paragraph is on me.

I love beer. I love the microbrewery movement.  Before sudsy days, I was unhappy in the wine tasting years. Everybody owned a vineyard, even the Smothers brothers. But there’s nothing funny about wine snobs. All that sniffing, swirling, tasting, and endless palate explanations just made me wear my beer hat more often. I was a barley man ahead of my times.

Now it’s our turn. I even updated the “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” song. I sang this new version to a fraternity brother at my son’s wedding just last month. Here’s the first refrain…”99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, don’t pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall…” My fraternity brother nodded along, looked at me and replied, “I just don’t know where that song is going. Beautiful adaptation. Salute.”

And here’s a big salute to all the local Laguna brewers. “The best of luck to beers that stick to your shoes and those beers that don’t. And if you want to find the answer to what is life all about, look at the bottom of every can. It reads, have another.”

Crantz tells the Indy that in addition to being peeved about wine, he’s frustrated with the milk movement, too. There’s soymilk, almond milk, cashew milk, rice milk, whole milk, fat free milk, lactaid whole milk, 2% milk and yada, yada, yada milk. Just take one down, and pass them around. Just don’t pass one to me. I laugh over spilled milk.