I was on the edge while reading Indy’s, “Planners Consider Changes to Beach Bluff Development.” 99% of beach strollers urged the Pet Peeves columnist to jump. One resident said, “The guy is goofy. Laguna is a place for serious artists only. He’s not. Jump. Jump. Jump.” One witness disagreed. “He owes me money. Pay first. Pay first. Then jump.” The columnist inched closer to the edge.
The city announces that meetings will commence for public input on what to do with the bluff between Hotel Laguna at Main Beach to the Village Shops at Legion Street. “So far, there have been four proposals,” says a city spokesperson. “Not true,” screams Pet Peeves columnist Crantz from the edge. “I submitted three more that have been deep sixed in the middle of the night.” The city council spokesman cupped his ear, shook his head that he couldn’t hear him and ordered Laguna firefighters back to their stations.
Crantz inched closer to the edge distraught over his unheard proposals. “Before I jump, I demand to be heard,” screamed Crantz to one remaining beach stroller he owed money to. Everyone else didn’t give a twit over this twit. Instead, they retired to lower Park Plaza to gather and pick lint out of each other’s navels. Crantz inched closer to the brink.
“I propose the bluff to be the place for the Village entrance. Come one. Come all cars to be launched into the deep blue free zone. No fish will be harmed, as the world’s greatest barrier reef is built. Marine life will flourish for centuries. Future grandparents and grandchildren will bond by shooting fish in a barrel together. Streets without cars will magically morph into pedestrian malls, while lower Park Plaza is re-opened again to car centric library patrons trying to return books,” bellows Crantz from the bluff top. “Are you with me? Or against me?” The lone beach stroller answers. “Give me my money, I’m with you. Stiff me, just jump.” The wind catches the beach stroller words before Crantz hears them. The columnist inches closer to the edge and launches into his next suggestion.
“I propose 16 rooftop bars without buildings beneath them. Design and Review Committee will have nothing to review. Residents will not complain about obstructed views because rooftops are not rooftops without buildings beneath them. Are you with me? Or against me?” The lone beach stroller has left. There is no one left to answer. The columnist takes another baby step to the brink and yells to no one left listening, “Here’s my final proposal.”
“On behalf of Village Idiots of Laguna, I encourage the erection of one large hamster wheel hanging off the village bluff. It will look like a village roundabout on its side, but with one hidden exit. The city will hire consultants to spin the wheel at a $100,000 pellet per ride. The consultant must come up with a good idea to be shown the hidden exit to be released. It will be the first time in village governance where the consultant gets the ride and we get cost effective entertainment. Are you with me? Or against me?” A new and wise beach stroller yells back, “We are with you. And someday hope to understand you.” Crantz smiles back at Indy’s news editor, Andrea Adelson. “Now get back and write next week’s column.” And Crantz did just that.
Crantz tells the Indy that he didn’t mean to speak badly of hamsters. Consultants are another matter having been one to know one.