Lost and recently recovered sheet music of “Hotel Laguna” written by the Sparrows was found under the welcome mat of the Dirty Bird lounge. It’s the place that locals believe is the true village entrance.
“On a bright congested highway, loud sirens in my ears
Warm smell of ocean pollution rising up in the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering brake lights
Happy hour head grows heavy and trolleys dim from sight
I had to stop for the night.
Welcome to the Hotel Laguna
Such a moldy place (such a moldy place)
Such a pealing painted lady face
Plenty of termites at the Hotel Laguna
Any time of year (any time of year) you can find health inspections gather here.”
Sounds just like the Eagles song “Hotel California,” doesn’t it? Our local Sparrows never soared like the Eagles. But it’s not too late to rewrite history. A new lease holder-group is going to bring the Hotel Laguna back to its glory days. Hollywood’s A-list stars will reappear after the glorious renovation. Tourists will follow the A-listers by the carloads. TMZ news will cover it all for the rest of the nation. Tourism will soar from 6.3 million to 20.5 million. To increase hotel tax revenue, the village council will change hotel daily rentals to hourly rentals. Tax advocates will ask for more and demand 15-minute rentals. The village council will compromise at 30-minute rentals. Unhappy tax opponents continue to cry that 30-minute check-ins and check-outs scheduled so closely together will make bell hops just hop-hop out of there and quit from the turnover mayhem. Room service will suffer, but mini bars will flourish until raided empty.
Wait. Let’s check our reservations here. Do we want renovations that will bring 20.5 million tourists a year? Maybe room downgrades rather than upgrades will serve us better. Tourist to front desk, “Hello, I’d like to check-in. Front desk answers, “Oh my, we only have downgrades available. Twice the beds and twice the bed bugs at half the price. How many days will you be staying? Wait, where are you going?”
And then there’s the news camera on the top of Hotel Laguna. It shows Main Beach to news watchers throughout Los Angeles. It always looks sunny and inviting. A simple camera re-hack substituting shark attacks and inclement weather should get annual visitor rates down to the remaining 10 people too smart to watch TV. Now 10 tourists, that’s a number the city can manage.
Now, let’s re-release “Hotel Laguna” and sue the daylights out of the Eagles for bully plagiarism.
Crantz tells the Indy that Hotel Laguna is where he met Humphrey Bogart and Bogie said to him, “I think this is the beginning of a terrible friendship.”