Pet Peeves

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Sandwich Boards

by Mark D. Crantz
by Mark D. Crantz

It was a day of highs and lows. The high was in reading the Indy’s “Merchants Receive a Late Holiday Gift.” Early indication is local merchants did better this holiday season. The low was in reading my January VISA statement and how much more I owed than last year. I implore other residents to shop local next year. Remember, “It takes a village, not Crantz alone.”

It’s easy to get carried away during the holiday season. My family believes strongly in the commercial Christmas. To my cherished loved ones, it is more important to get than it is to give. Giving is for suckers. Gift cards are for winners and the more gift cards gotten the merrier. To get multiple gift cards requires giving dad a tie or a pair of socks, even though, dad has been retired for years and has no need for these items. Instead, I effuse great joy in receiving these gifts of love and have mixed and matched the ties and socks with my Laguna t-shirts, board shorts and sandals wardrobe. I think it will be a new look and trend. Remember, “It takes a village to make a trend,” if not, it makes Crantz look the village idiot.

I’m envious of families that have instituted the Secret Santa model. It’s an economic juggernaut for controlled spending. The way it works is that all family names are put in a hat and you pick out just one name to buy a gift for. This method curtails spending on everyone. My family tried this model for the Christmas of 2014. It didn’t work out. Somehow, everybody got my name and no one else’s. I got a lot of ties and socks. The rest of the family got nothing and were furious. They believed I rigged the hat of names. I did not. It’s unclear who did it. I believe it was the Russians. My wife believes it was an inside job, where all family members pretended to get my name to assure spending less. I think we’re both right. My family DNA is 59% Russian.

To help merchants improve their bottom lines, the City Council has agreed to allow outdoor displays, portable sandwich boards and window displays to help attract the Crantz family. The signage was previously prohibited under local code and will be allowed in a six-month trial period March 1 to Aug. 1. I encourage local residents to join in with the Crantz family and shop, shop, shop. Ties and socks preferred. Also, signs with sayings on how to live better are much appreciated. I can always use more guidance.

I’m a man of action. Therefore, I will not be in this year’s Pageant of the Masters and just be standing still. Instead, I am creating a wearable sandwich board that reads, “Eat at Joe’s.” I will be walking up and down Forest Avenue during the trial period. Yes, I’m aware there is no Joe’s restaurant, but I’m hopeful there will be one by March 1. If not, the bad signage will work nicely with my tie, t-shirt, socks and sandals.

Assuredly, this ensemble will make “Crantz the most Interestingly Dressed Man in the World.” Raise a Dos Equis. Cheers and good luck merchants.


Crantz tells the Indy that the sandwich board is coming along nicely. Lots of glitter.  



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