Holy Smokes
A flood of memories came back to me while reading the Indy’s police blotter. There were lots of traffic stops. Yep, done that. Several shop lifting reports. Yep, done that. And there was a disorderly conduct. Yep, done that, too. It was reassuring to have all this bad stuff over with. I’m grateful now to have the wild years behind me. I can’t imagine if I had put it all off, then I’d have to deal with doing crazy stuff for my bucket list. Yes, redemption feels good now. Particularly, for old people, like me. Being redeemed doesn’t require running from the police.
But one police blotter item stood out from the rest, “Police Arrest ‘Church Volunteer’ in Pot Shop Raid.” Holy smokes, I never did that. I grew up in the wine and wafer era. Incorporating the weed into prayers and blessings borders on divine intervention. A bystander to the raid reported overhearing, “Our Father, who art in heaven, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily toke. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive Attorney General Sessions, who refuses our banking privileges. Amen, Dilly, Dilly.”
Police seized 18 pounds of marijuana. This was enough holy smoke for 104 sermons, 75 baptisms, 60 confirmations, 14 weddings, 10 bar mitzvahs and my exorcism. Police arrested church volunteers, but couldn’t find the congregation. Sources close to the raid believe church members do not stay in the congregation when they realize weed is provided free to volunteers of the church choir. An added bonus is that there is no preaching to the choir. Pass the joint. Hallelujah, Dilly, Dilly.
An Internet review of the church’s services said, “Made a visit to the church today mostly out of curiosity. I was happily surprised to find some top-notch bud and just about anything else you may want. All in all a good experience.” Later when questioned about the review, the young person proclaimed, “I didn’t write that. I’ve never been to that ####-hole place. He was later released on his own recognizance, put on his red baseball hat and left to make America great again.
A citizen alerted police about the possible church dispensary after listening for hours to the out of tune and off key choir. “I couldn’t take it any more. The singing was awful. My dog was howling right along. And he was off key, too. Heaven knows I could have lived with the marijuana smell. I did with my first husband, Bud, who did bud. Just ask him. I’m sure he is still on the same couch where I left him 20 years ago. But no human with two good ears should be subjected to that church’s bad music. So I sicced the police on them and my dog. The silence now is heavenly.”
“The arrest is the first one since voters rejected a measure to repeal the city’s ban on medical marijuana dispensaries and city authorities last April extended the ban to recreational sales, which became legalized statewide this month.” Offering plates and donations are still legal and welcomed in Laguna. Amen, Dilly, Dilly.
Crantz tells the Indy that he was once in charge of the offering plates. He lost his volunteer job for pointing out the churchgoers who passed the plate and faked tithing.
