Pet Peeves

Relativity

Generally, I am all for government transparency. Until now. The city council reviewed amendments to its accessory dwelling unit ordinance. The law aims to address the California housing shortage by encouraging the development of affordable housing options for seniors, students, relatives, and in-home health care providers by mandating cities waive some second unit development restrictions, such as parking requirements, lot and dwelling size. Trust me, this public announcement has made my life miserable.   Already, I’m receiving calls from relatives with add on suggestions so they can move in with me permanently.

So now, it’s going to take a village to make it up to me. I take dibs on all 50 pending add-ons now in the pipeline. You must take my relatives first. My place is too small.   How small, you ask? Well, I have to go outside it to change my mind. It’s so small the mice are hunchback. It’s so small when you laugh you have to go Ho,ho,ho…not Hee, hee, hee. But this is not a laughing matter. I’m being as serious as a design review committee meeting. “Disapproved. Not allowed.”

To accommodate my relatives, let me share their suggestions with you. Uncle Morris wants dibs on area garages. He hates cars due to a mishap with one 50 years ago. Morris was walking at the time. The car was parked at the time. Morris claims the car hit him. Morris sued the car’s owner for reckless abandonment. The case was thrown out of court.   Morris took the verdict badly. He’s been getting back at cars ever since. He’s delighted to kick your car to the curb. Now, Aunt Sally likes your utility closet over the garage. She’s been out to get Morris ever since his mishap. If she had it her way your car and Morris would share the garage for just long enough to accommodate her plans for Morris’s big paddle-out. Sally has been mixing cleaning supplies found in utility closets to concoct a big send off for Morris. She’s on the Homeland Security Watch List. You needn’t be concerned; your safety is in federal hands.

I will continue to share my relatives’ add-on area preferences with you as they come in. Once the first 50 add-ons are filled, I will take the rest. Here’s my plan. I am now building those cute mailboxes that are dead ringers for your house. I intend to shrink my remaining relatives down to the size of Ant Man. I will place my mailbox across the street in front of the neighbor’s house. She gets my relatives. I don’t want them. I’ll then make a new mailbox for my house that looks just like my neighbor’s house. She lives on the ocean side and gets better mail. I live across the street and just get bills. It will be nice to get her mail for a change. Hopefully, the deception will go on for a while so I can get financially ahead before the postman always rings twice to serve me notice for mail fraud.

Until then, I urge the city council to workout all future ADU amendments in closed session. Remember, Albert Einstein was the first to explain Relativity. He said, “Relativity answers the age old question, “Where would you be without your relatives? Ahead, that’s where.”

Crantz tells the Indy that another relative has called in with a preference. Prepare your birdhouse for this birdbrain.