Pet Peeves

Share this:

Laguna Idol

by Mark D. Crantz
by Mark D. Crantz

For those Laguna residents, who missed Laguna Beach’s first test of a new emergency messaging system last Friday, May 4, here’s the reenactment.  In place of the blaring siren, there was a recorded message that alerted listeners of a test.  Here’s the replay…

“War, huh, yeah/ What is it good for/ Absolutely nothing/ War, huh, yeah, What is it good for/ Absolutely nothing/ Say it again, why’all”

The winning message was taken from Edwin Starr’s song “War” in the 1970 “War and Peace” album. The song was blasted from Broadway Street and Laguna Avenue and across Main Beach and Heisler Park.  The rest of the town heard Barry Manilow’s love song “Mandy.”

A city spokesperson explained that the new voice messaging system is an improvement over the old siren because the voice system permits the delivery of verbal instructions, such as directions to evacuate beaches due to a tsunami prediction.  In this instance, the recorded message says…

“Attention Aliso Park beachgoers.  Go directly to your parking meters and make sure you have enough time until 2:07 p.m. At 2:07 a huge tsunami will hit the area. At 2:10 parking tickets will be handed out.  Don’t bother evacuating there’s not enough time.  Do not leave unpaid parking tickets to your survivors and loved ones. We wish you the best of luck on your eternal journeys. For the rest of the Laguna beaches, have a pleasant day and be sure to come back without your cars.”

The new system can be used for all types of disasters where immediate action from the public is necessary.  The recorded voice messaging can be activated before city council meetings.  “Attention citizens. The council is predicted to approve another $100,000 to consultants for the village entrance. Take immediate action at the November election and show them the village exit.”

The city is using an employee to make the verbal announcements.  However, guest disaster announcers will be selected for future disasters. Laguna Early Warning Idol tryouts will be held on the unapproved rooftop bar of the Coast Inn. Interested parties should bring their most strident screaming voices of alarm to the tryouts scheduled for June 2. Contestants are encouraged to use any medium of their choosing.  Song, poetry, narrative formats are allowable. Most topics are permitted.  Recorded disaster alerts can be made about peeping tom drones, parking outside the white lines, design never ending reviews, fishing ban against grandkids, fire preventing goats that eat resident yards, school and sober housing mergers, school on campus marijuana dispensaries, implementation of Coast Highway parklets, and last but not least, visitors and the undergrounding of said visitors.  Only Pet Peeves columns cannot be talked about in disaster-like terms.  That’s an early warning to my readers.

Crantz tells the Indy that the Hawaiian guy who alerted the islands of incoming missiles is the strong frontrunner at Laguna Early Warning Idol tryouts.  




Share this:


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here