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Laguna Lucy

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

The countdown has begun.  The Pageant of the Masters is almost here. The Pageant’s theme, “Under the Sun,” features the work of early 20thcentury plein air painters.  This worries me.  I can’t imagine staging tableau vivants on top of easels. This does not sound like a safe workplace practice for actor participants. Never in the 85-year Pageant history will the director’s direction to actors to “Stand still,” be more important.

I tried out for this year’s Pageant.  I should have known better.  I was cut because I was too tipsy. I was mad at first, but realized later that a summer without beer was too much of a sacrifice to make. Besides, I didn’t want my swaying to jeopardize the other actors. I even offered to have my Uber driver stand in for me.  The committee declined my offer and provided a glowing reference to sweep floors at the Saloon. I appreciated the kind referral.

According to show biz insiders, the Pageant kicks off with the story of the Laguna Woman whose skeletal remains were discovered in Laguna Beach by a teenager in 1933.  The woman’s skull was dated at over 17,000 year’s old, making her the oldest human remains ever found in North America.  Her husband’s remain were found beside her, but his skull was dated at 8,000 year’s old, making the Laguna Woman the oldest coyote, as well.

The African female fossils named Lucy are much older at 3.2 million years than our Laguna Lucy.  I was miffed that we were such a distant second.  I decided to seek out experts to double-check how old our Lucy was. The skull was reconfirmed at 17,000 years of age.  However, on closer inspection the remains revealed there were cheek, chin and breast implants dating back 3.3 million years.  Eureka. Laguna Lucy is the oldest due to southern California’s “Under the Sun” cosmetic surgeons.

I’ve reported these new findings to the Pageant’s scriptwriters.  I’ve recommended adding a special tableaux vivant at the show’s end.  It will feature the area’s best cosmetic surgeons administering a healthy dose of botox to Laguna Lucy.  She will magically awaken and run off the stage in pursuit of a younger man.

Now that’s a show-stopper.

Crantz tells the Indy that residents going to this year’s “Under the Sun,” are advised to wear sunscreen.  I will because I want to live to be the oldest Laguna Man.        


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