Wow. That was some City Council meeting that I missed a month ago. The proverbial #### was flying. Diehard Village Entrance supporters believed the project included the restoration of the historic sewer digester building, too. Other attendees said plans only called for a paint job. Half the room held their nose to the bait and switch while the other half screamed, “#### and get off the digester.”
I would have been at this meeting, if my therapist hadn’t insisted that I watch an episode of “Naked and Afraid” that night. She believes my irrational fear of being exposed a phony columnist can be assuaged by watching people who really are in need of therapy. I don’t think it’s working. Each week at the show’s end, I find myself still feeling like a phony, but now unclothed, as well. I’m going to suggest to my therapist that a future City Council meeting full of realists might be just the change I need.
I think I can bring the sides together. At the next meeting, I’m going to propose that the digester building and the Village Entrance become one. We’ll just move the digester building over to the middle of the road, where the Village Entrance funds are already available. Then we can pour good money down the drain by fixing up the digester to its initial 1920 inaugural flush. It will be the “whoosh” heard around the world followed by the world’s response, “Hurry up. I gotta go.”
I’ve done some homework on it. Other cities claim world roadside records, like largest twine ball, largest egg, largest boar, largest axe, largest lobster, largest dinosaur, largest teepee, largest picnic table, largest chainsaw and largest this, that and everything, except largest, oldest toilet. It’s our time Laguna Beach. I’m so excited. My insides feel like butterflies. Let’s go now. No holding back. This is the big one.
And there’s a practical side to the Village Entrance toilet. Tourists will have to park their cars way up the road before using the world’s largest, oldest toilet. But guess what? When they get there to do their business…surprise…surprise, we do ours. They’re pay-to-go potties. Bathroom entrances will be on the east side only. Bathroom exits will be constructed on the west side to go to town. Tourists who decide not to pay-to-go will find standard in-town potties at twice the historical Village Entrance rate.
So, let’s do the simple math…6.6 million tourists x 50 cents per flush x 10 cents per hand washing and drying = $3.96 million per year. Wow. And remember, that’s not counting in a certain percentage of unavoidable indigestion or stomach flu.
Crantz tells the Indy that he’s so excited to get this idea to the next council meeting that he’s “Dressed and Not Afraid.”