Wait a Second
I’m worried. The sixth annual Art & Nature series brought to us by the Laguna Art Museum is coming up, Nov. 1-4. It seems too soon after the fifth annual Art & Nature event, where a huge street lamppost placed offshore was towed away by authorities for fear that area canines would not be able to resist marking their territories over and over again.
This year’s event is dog friendly. The shoreline will be lit by thousands of LED umbrellas carried by volunteers. Years ago, the umbrella’s creator was x-raying seashells at the Smithsonian Institute. At the insistence of Homeland Security, she uncovered an asymmetrical pattern. Homeland was concerned with the millions of seashells washing ashore on an annual basis. A Homeland Security spokesperson said, “I can’t talk about the Seashell X-Ray Mandala Project unless you take off your shoes, belt and empty your pockets.” I refused. So, we don’t know at the time of this column whether seashells are safe or not. I advise readers to avoid picking them up. Better safe than sandy.
We believe the umbrellas are safer than the seashells. The creator had the umbrellas manufactured in England. This country has a lot of experience with umbrellas because it rains all the time there. The umbrellas weigh in at 1.7 pounds and are guaranteed to withstand 70 mph gale force winds before going inside out. The Ben Franklin Go Fly-A-Kite Association has tested the umbrellas in case of electrical storms. “They’re 100 percent safe,” assured a Franklin spokesman. “I personally tested the umbrella. The electrical shock I received was no greater than the time I was tased for making derogatory remarks about the Queen’s short legged dogs and their inability to mark a lamppost.”
The light show will be choreographed. However, there will be flash mob like performances by students from Chapman University, Orange Coast College, USC and Laguna Beach High School. These performances will erupt at various locations. Volunteers are encouraged to act like students and join in “a spontaneous celebration of community, chasing waves and calling home for more money.”
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Makes me think of Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds and Donald O’Connor in “Singing in the Rain.” But beware readers. There is one important difference. The movie actors used and returned the umbrellas to the studio. The Art & Nature volunteers get to keep the umbrellas as a memento.
Wait a second. I ask you…what are the chances that the volunteers take the umbrellas and go home before the performance? Now that’s a flash mob moment that will light up the festivities and reinforce that human nature is about getting stuff for free and doing nothing to get it.
Crantz tells the Indy that he will not be able to attend the performance. He’s being detained at Gitmo for not taking off his shoes, belt and emptying his pockets of pilfered seashells.
