Pet Peeves

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By Mark Crantz

Mother was very strict when it came to table manners. Rule #1—No elbows on the table. Rule #2—No shirt, no shoes, no service. And Rule #3—Mother never cooks. She makes reservations. Yes, we went out to eat a lot, as kids.

So, I feel that I’m an experienced foodie who is qualified to comment on the Indy’s “Laguna Restaurants Change Chefs, Menus.” This is a disturbing turn of events. The other day, I went to Wahoo’s for fish tacos. Yummy. I placed my order. To my surprise, I was served Las Brisas’ new vegetarian dish called “Three Sisters.” A dish that was plucked from Montage’s Studio garden and originally christened “Six Sisters,” before three of the sisters swore to waitstaff to become maneaters and forsake date nights forever.

What is going on? Montage’s Studio chef left to take over Taverna. Three Seventy Common owner/chef sold the restaurant to pursue his passion for fried buttermilk chicken. I can imagine hearing it now. “Sorry, it’s not you. It’s not the kids. The dog, maybe. No, it’s me. I’ve fallen hard for fried buttermilk chicken. I have to follow my passion. I have no doubt you’ll find another restaurateur, maybe a chain of them.”

Take yesterday for example. I went to Johnny Rockets. I ordered. I waited. I kept myself amused by coloring in the menu. I stayed in the lines. I waited. I found all the menu’s hidden words. I waited. I followed the dots game. I waited. I played tic-tac-toe.Beat myself. I waited. And then was told the restaurant was out of business. They gave me my check. I gave them a tip. “You can take Johnny’s rocket and put it up his…” I woke up face down in 230’s onion soup inside Taco Bell.

Yes, I’m confused. There seems to be no more table manners in Laguna. Eating out is a free for all. Well, that’s not correct. Eating out is not free for all. The Unnatural Food Association states, “While casual dining has seen no inflation in the last decade, there has been a shift. Breakfast costs what lunch used to cost. Lunch costs what dinner used to cost. And dinner costs what breakfast, lunch and dinner used to cost all together. Diners have revolted by selling their homes and forever staying at hotels with free breakfasts and free afternoon happy hours. For Americans preferring to stay in their homes, restaurant experts see an increasing trend towards “Going Dutch,” which is to put meals in children shoes and save on the expense of plates and silverware.

Shoe manufacturers are trying to take advantage of this “Meals in Wheels” trend by adding spoons, knifes and forks alongside bottle openers now found in the bottom of many sandals. Oh yummy, sole food.


Crantz tells the Indy that he still eats out. His wife places his meal right outside next to the dog’s bowl.

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