Pet Peeves


Magnificent Seven Plus One

By Mark Crantz

While everybody had their eyes on the northbound caravan getting closer to our southern border, a group of 13 immigrants landed a panga boat ashore at West Street Beach in South Laguna. In a cleverly executed rear guard action, seven of 13 illegal aliens escaped and are now receiving full government pensions. On the following Saturday, these Magnificent Seven were rumored to have protested on Main Beach with signs in support of closed borders. Signs read, “Stay out. Save our pensions.”

A police spokesman would not confirm or deny that the remaining six immigrants caught at West Street Beach have been returned to their country of origin. Authorities were more concerned with “Whose boat is this boat?” The panga boat is considered a seaworthy vessel compared to the ‘57 Chevys used by fleeing Cuban refuges of the 60s and 70s. A confidential source reveals that found ownership papers on board show the panga boat belongs to Donald J. Trump. President Trump refused to admit the boat belonged to him. An unsigned tweet, possibly from him, read: “Whose boat is this boat? Not mine. Too puny. My boat is 800 feet long. Nobody has a boat bigger than mine. My boat’s lifeboats are bigger.”

U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokesman explained, “It is the custom of U.S. Customs to confiscate any and all transport suspected in illegal activities against the United States of America. We have taken possession of the panga boat as well as the 800-foot boat Stormy Waters. The boats will be returned to the Magnificent Seven Plus One once they are exonerated by a jury of their peers, or when Plus One’s special needs court request of him having no equal peers is upheld. Then it is expected Plus One is exonerated by presidential pardon. Another tweet of unconfirmed origination read, “I am the greatest. I am the one. Whose boast is this boat? My boat is the 800-footer. And when I get my boat back, I’m going to tow that puny panga boat full of Magnificent Sevens back to the third world ####hole they came from. And if there’s room left over, U.S. Customs will join them for causing me so much trouble.”

Some conspiracy theorists believe the panga boat was not there to drop off illegal aliens. Instead, they were there to pick up vegetables from the South Laguna community garden. Theorists say produce is being smuggled to other areas and sold off as locally grown. The grist in the conspiracy mill believes that community garden advocates are desperate to raise cash to buy the land. Legal experts agree that no law has been broken when locally grown produce is shipped to third world ####holes and promoted as locally grown.

Crantz tells the Indy that he doesn’t own a boat, large or small. And he hates vegetables. Therefore, he didn’t need to recuse himself from writing this column.

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