P’s & Q’s
Attention law and abiding citizens: from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. each weekend, foot and bike police patrols will be increased on Main Beach, weather permitting. Mind your P’s and Q’s. The rest of the alphabet is not your responsibility.
Attention lawless and non-abiding citizens: please reschedule your antisocial behavior before 11 a.m. and after 4 p.m. each weekend to avoid increased foot and bike police patrols on Main Beach, weather permitting. Don’t you worry about not having P’s and Q’s. The rest of the alphabet is there for your taking.
Over the next six months, City Council has approved $155,000 to step up enforcement of minor violations and continue engagement with the homeless. A City Council member explained, “If we have a visible presence, it deters bad behavior.” To emphasize his point, he asked the sergeant at arms to leave Council chambers. In closed session, the Council hired a $100,000 consultant to review the purchase of electric bikes versus ordinary pedal bikes. The consultant took the taxpayer money after 4 p.m. last Saturday afternoon.
I contacted a long-time resident, suspected of criminal behavior. We met in the lobby of Wells Fargo. “I’ll help with your column with one condition.” I nodded okay. “You can’t use my real name. Call me Marvin, a.k.a. Windows.” It made sense. Marvin was an alleged second-story burglar who knew how to finesse windows to break in. I asked, “How’s business?” He answered, “My day job is great. Opening new accounts left and right. Opened several for you and improved your credit score.” I thanked Windows for the unsolicited assist. “And your night job?” Windows sighed. “Not so good. It’s getting harder to be a second-story burglar amongst an increasing number of mid-century moderns, which is fancy talk for single-story ranch houses.”
I asked Windows what he thought about increasing bike and foot police patrols. Windows replied: “It’s a step or pedal in the right direction. Makes people feel more protected. That’s a good thing. Unfortunately, it can’t last.” “Why won’t it last?” I asked. Windows grinned wide. “Well, while everybody was busy keeping their eyes on the beach, I transferred the $155,000 funding to my other beach account in the Caymans.”
“That’s stealing. Why did you tell me? I can’t have knowledge of a criminal act without being charged with aiding and abetting.” Windows spread his arms wide to give me a hug. “Welcome to the wrong side of the law. Check your P’s and Q’s at the door. Let’s see about opening a home improvement loan for you. I’d love to see you add a second story to your mid-century modern.”
Crantz tells the Indy that due to the revelations of this column, his lawyer advises him to use a fictional name for the byline, a.k.a. Forked Tongue.
