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Home Sweet Home

By Mark Crantz

Laguna Beach took a step forward in reforming its controversial historic preservation list. But the task force forgot to ask first, “Mother may I?” and had to take two steps back.  Now everyone’s home is on the list again under the “exceptional” designation with accompanying tax breaks. The lost property tax revenue will now require the city to find an additional six million tourists to fill the money shortfall.

More trolleys have been ordered. The trolleys will be double-deckers to accommodate the new day-trippers. Routes have been expanded north to San Francisco and south to San Diego. Children and retirees ride free. Working middle class passengers between the ages of 20 and 30 will pay a fare of $1,500. Pets are welcome at an additional charge of $500.  The new trolleys are environmentally friendly, running on the natural gas of recent Mexican restaurant dining patrons who will push the trolleys 24/7 for the next dining tourists. Rotating trolley pushers will be supplied with Apple medical watches to relay vitals to a cloud to be determined later by Elizabeth Warren.

A new downtown merchants business plan will allow merchants to tackle tourists to relieve them of cash and debit cards. Takedowns must be done between the shoulders and the knees. Headshots and leg takeaways below the knees will result in fines and penalties.  Merchants are encouraged to use local student athletes, who are coached in safe play techniques. Parents who want their kids to secure these summer jobs may photoshop their children’s heads on other athlete bodies.

The Bluebelt ordinance will be amended to allow fishing again. Grandfathers will be permitted the use of dynamite, grenades and shotguns to guarantee catches for their grandchildren. There will be a no catch limit until the last fish meets its maker.  Conventional reels and poles are permitted, but not encouraged because of the danger of flying hooks around children.

Also, the Greenbelt ordinance will be relaxed to allow for recreational vehicles and campers. The noise and light ordinances are suspended to encourage loud partying and a ‘no holds barred’ on shenanigans. Clean up crews will be made up of Laguna students whose parents did not photoshop their heads on other athlete bodies.

The Pageant of the Masters will increase ticket revenue by selling tomatoes to audience members who will be encouraged to pelt the tableaux vivants into evasive moving action.  The new motion pictures will bring Laguna Beach into content creation. The Pageant of the Masters will sell performance rights to Elizabeth Warren, who will determine at a later date, what social media behemoth can legally secure this content.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that he looks forward to fishing again. He prefers rod and reel fishing and using city consultants as bait.

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