Pet Peeves


Kiss a Frog

By Mark D. Crantz

The City Council just kissed a frog. Frogparking has been hired at $1.61 million dollars to install and advertise a smart parking system that will enable drivers to find and pay for open parking spaces via a mobile app. Some council members rejected kissing to close the deal. One member explained, “I don’t kiss because of health concerns—mine as well as theirs. I didn’t shake hands on the deal, either. I’m in the Howie Mandel camp that a bump shake is good enough. Deal or no deal.”

Council members who did kiss on the deal were changed into frogs on the spot. They were immediately rescued by the Pacific Marine Mammal Center. It is unknown at this time whether they will be nourished back to their former selves, or whether they will be fed to present marine mammal guests. A council frog departing by ambulance was overheard saying, “Ribbit. Ribbit.”

Council members who still maintain their human form are optimistic about the new parking system. Residents and visitors will be able to download the parking application to their smart phones. By entering the name of the restaurant or intersection you are looking for, the app will direct you to the nearest available parking space. On the first demonstration of the system, multiple drivers were sent to the same space. Unfortunately, one of the drivers was Alec Baldwin, who didn’t take kindly to another driver leap frogging his space. Neither driver secured the parking space because it had been converted to a restaurant parklet and wasn’t available in the first place. “Ribbit. Ribbit.”

“Sure, there are bugs to be worked out,” explains a Frogparking spokesman. “For instance, some people don’t have smartphones. We have to find an algorithm to address dumb people with dumb phones. They shouldn’t be excluded from parking spaces just because they are dumb and their equipment is dumb, too. Our research shows that most dumb people are older people who have not been able to keep up with technology.  Surveys sent to the Susi Q Senior Center revealed this typical response, “STOP. Too old to change. STOP. What’s the question again? STOP. Don’t care about parking spaces.  Haven’t gone parking and kissed a girl in 70 years. STOP.”

I admit, that telegram was sent by me. I’m hopelessly stuck in the past and believe smart parking isn’t for me. As a child, I couldn’t pat my head and rub my belly at the same time. Imagine, now as an old man, if I have to look at my phone, drive and then keep watch on the mobile payment that’s automatically being debited from my electronically deposited social security checks that are likely less than the mobile parking charges. STOP. STOP. STOP.


Crantz tells the Indy that he’s an angel investor in whips and buggies.

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