Pet Peeves

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Bird’s Eye View

By Mark Crantz

“It’s time to fly south for the summer,” cooed a Morning Dove. “Sorry dear, but you have that mixed up. It’s fly south for the winter,” answered his mate. “Not this year. Haven’t you read the Indy? She shook her head. “No, I only pass over Indy’s when nature calls. I get my social media news from Main Beach pigeons…much more juicy.”

The Morning Dove huffed back, “Those pigeons will say anything for a piece of Shirley’s bagels. They’re full of gossip and innuendo. Get the real news straight from the Indy. The Indy says the city is burying Woods Cove utilities.” His mate teetered on the wire at hearing the news. “Oh no. We’ll have no place to sit.” The Morning Dove puffed out his chest. “Exactly. We have to fly this coop. It’s the end of days.”

The Morning Dove continued to read the Indy story to his mate. “Sixty percent of Woods Cove residents were of the same feather in 2014 when they agreed to begin engineering preparations for the undergrounding process. Last week, the city council threw in another $300,000 to bury this goal. The total amount of preparation, so far, comes to $969,000. His mate murmured, “That’s a lot of bird seed.” The Morning Dove nodded understanding. “Just a drop in the bucket, really. When it’s all said and done, each household could tax themselves between $43,000 to $100,000 depending on special benefits. His mate’s eyeballs bulged. She asked, “What special benefits could possibly make for such a wide spread?” The Morning Dove squinted harder at the newspaper print. “Doesn’t say. I guess it’s a ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ kind of thing. Humans believe they aren’t somebody special unless they pay more taxes.” The mate shook her head. “That’s crazy thinking. It’s not contagious is it?”

“Better not to wait around to find out. Let’s fly like an eagle,” suggested the Morning Dove. His mate answered, “Not now. It’s afternoon. Morning Doves don’t do afternoons. It’s not in our name. We’ll get an early start tomorrow morning.” The Morning Dove agreed. “Better yet. The delay will give me time to map out our route. Let’s see…we’ll fly the first day until we reach the Village Entrance. I hear it’s a new place with great views.” His mate shook her head. “Sorry, the place isn’t finished yet. That project was 30 years in preparation and is, well still, preparing. Plus, if my memory is right, the Main Beach pigeon gossip says the FAA won’t allow flights over Laguna. We’ll have to walk out of here.”

The Morning Dove fluttered his wings. “I don’t do walk. I’m built to fly.” His mate shook her head in exasperation. “That’s not what the Design Review Board says. Start walking. Let’s hold wings.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he’s not concerned about undergrounding electrical, cable and landlines because solar, streaming and 5G will negate the special benefits to bury our pocketbooks.

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