Pet Peeves

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Make Room

By Mark D. Crantz

Parents know it is emotionally wrenching when your child leaves home and goes off to college. You’re surprised when little baby Jimmy is suddenly all grown up. Some wonder, why did it take so long? Others wonder, why did it go by so fast? But most can’t wait to get ahold of Jimmy’s room to wipe it clean of childhood memories in favor of a new man cave or she shed.

While Jimmy’s parents fight over who gets his space, the big little man is on his way to Laguna College of Art & Design. Unbeknownst to Jimmy, the college is thinking about moving to the other side of Laguna Canyon Road. The college administration is in discussions with Laguna Beach Company to move the campus where Seven Degrees, the Hive and Art-A-Fair now exist. The public explanation is the move consolidates the campus to one side of Laguna Canyon Road and makes it closer in walking distance to town. Hopefully, the discussions work out before Jimmy gets there. Otherwise, he will have nowhere to put his stuff, and although Jimmy doesn’t know it yet, he can’t turn around and take his stuff back to his home because his mother and father could not agree on who gets his room. So, they’ve decided to put the room and house on the market with the sales proceeds divvied up at the time of their divorce. Jimmy is 120 miles to Laguna’s Village Entrance thinking the best of life is ahead for him, while not knowing, he is homeless and disowned for being the main reason for the divorce. Unfortunately for Jimmy, his parents did what marital experts say never to do. They blamed the child in their divorce. They mutually cited irreconcilable indifference to cleanliness as the reason for their divorce. Jimmy’s teenage room couldn’t be professionally cleaned and salvaged to make into a man cave or she shed.

Meanwhile this Indy columnist, Me, was contacted by a town gossip, who said, the real reason behind the campus move is to close up all dormitory rooms under orders from the California Coastal Commission. Apparently, prior Jimmies have created toxic living dumpsites that must be shut down. It is not known whether these dorm rooms can ever be salvaged, so the college in the interim is hoping to provide next year’s class with new rooms across the road.

Jimmy is now almost there. He is a bit lost and looking for the Village Entrance. The car is brimming with stuff to fill up his new dumpsite. Jimmy can’t wait. As soon as he settles in, he’ll text his parents for money to buy more crap to make his home away from home a bigger and better pig sty.

Just as Jimmy arrives, the Coastal Commission notifies the college that the existing dorm rooms were salvageable, and the college doesn’t have to move. The college administration breathes a sigh of relief and notifies all media that the college campus will remain where it is.

In addition, the Coastal Commission promises to text all incoming freshmen Jimmies to notify them that they are now on a watch list and can expect surprise room inspections to commence this fall. Students in dorm rooms not kept in compliance will be expelled under the College Irreconcilable Indifference to Cleanliness Act, recent legislation passed by his parents. (Correction: former parents.)

Crantz tells the Indy Jimmy could not be found in his room for comment. An excavation team has been sent in to look for him.

 

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