Pet Peeves

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Reader’s Digester

By Mark D. Crantz

The City Council went 3-2 on the sewer digester. This confused residents only familiar with Number 1 or Number 2. “I’ve never heard anyone go 3? What is a 3 anyway?” Everyone looked at one another shaking their heads. No one seemed to know. Finally the town bull#### artist ventured, “A 3 is 2 and 1 together.” Attendees didn’t believe him and sought out Alexa and Siri on what a three was. Alexa and Siri were on the same page and answered, “A woody perennial plant, typically having a single stem or trunk growing to considerable height and bearing lateral branches at some distance from the ground. That’s a three.” At hearing this explanation, the room full of people crossed their legs, shuddered and decided it was better to #### a brick over a three any day.

Recently, the City Council discussed what to do with the city’s old sewage digester building. Built in 1932 and operated until the 1950s, the building has long been a source of debate. One old time resident explained, “Last time I went was 1950. I held out until 1989 when the digester was put on the city historic registry. I knew then I couldn’t desecrate an historical landmark. So, I went in Laguna Woods ever since. I don’t know about bears, but Lagunans #### in the Woods.”

Last year, the City Council voted to seek grants or other external money to rehabilitate. The city’s bathroom attendant-lobbyists scoured through the sludge looking for yesteryear’s swallowed change. Attendants handed out towels to council members and explained, “We were hoping to find rare 1944 steel pennies, that are now valued at $110,000. We did not find any. More surprisingly, we found no American change, only Canadian coins. We believe 1930 Depression kids with Canadian coins got turned away from the Candy Baron, and instead swallowed the coins in an attempt to maintain their daily iron allowance.

City staff did a site visit and reported  their findings. The walls have been graffitied. One wall drawing shows a giant poisonous mushroom structure littered with sickened tourists around it. Another wall rendition shows a large hotel stretching from North Laguna to South Laguna with writing that reads, “The Mo the better.” And, there were many carved broken hearts bearing initials PB + AC; PB + MM; PB + MJB. City staff recommended an environmental impact study to determine the clean up costs.

The City Council listened to a variety of suggestions. One councilperson said, “I’m hoping we can see the history and value here.” Another councilperson wanted to retain the building, but only if it’s a condensed reader’s digester version. “I’m willing to spend money on Number 1. Forget Numbers 2 and 3.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he is proud of his city for being civil and courteous to one another in discussing #### rather than throwing it at one another.

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