This Little Piggy
I like to run my piggies through cool, green grass. Feels good. So, my feet and the rest of me were relieved to read, “Council Rejects Proposal to Remove Main Beach Grass.” Thank goodness. Imagine grandparents having to adapt to succulent plantings. “Grandkids listen up. This little piggy went to Main Beach. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had tacos. But this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went “Ouch, ouch, cacti” all the way home.”
Not all on the City Council were in favor for keeping the grass. “We can’t let our grandkids run free through lush, thick grass. The sooner they learn it’s a harsh world out there, the better. A few pricks is a small price to pay to show them that global warming is here to stay,” explained a councilperson. Another added, “Succulent plantings may be a good thing. The grandkids will see what Scottsdale, Arizona looks like without enduring a long car ride. Oh, and I’ll get my grandkids cowboy boots for the beach. What fun.”
One councilperson was above and beyond prickly and may have been raised in Scottsdale. (This fact could not be confirmed because he refused to take off his shoes and socks to show his childhood boo-boos). He said, “I’m sorry but I just think Main Beach is pathetic. It doesn’t do anything for me whatsoever. Main Beach has become a place for tourists to come, for vagrants to hangout, for people to come to exercise their extremist political views.” At which point, a resident whispered a little too loudly, “Some of us would appreciate you taking your political views over there rather than here.”
Undeterred, the prickly councilperson added with gusto that he hadn’t seen any of the audience members at the last council meeting enjoying Main Beach. There wasn’t an immediate response, while attendees considered the last time they had visited Main Beach to challenge the statement or concede they had suddenly replaced the Trail of Liars by becoming the new poster boy, the Main Beach of Liars.
Another councilperson zeroed in on the homeless, who hang out at Main Beach. He was less concerned about whether or not a Main Beach visitor is homeless and more about ending behavior that scares other visitors away. The sentiment went unchallenged, while attendees seemed to silently agree that those pricks were difficult to deal with.
Crantz tells the Indy that his grandkids spent last week at Main Beach and witnessed two chivalrous homeless men save a small dog under attack by a large dog. The grandkids went “Wee, wee, wee,” all the way home to tell him about it.
