Pet Peeves

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Coast is Clear

By Mark D. Crantz

The Coast Inn developers were scheduled to come before the City Council on April 1. The developers requested a date change to April 7 because they couldn’t chance the City Council agreeing to their proposal after seven years to hear…April fools, just kidding.

It was difficult to locate the developers due to the great amount of time since their first request. A BOLO was put out by the Laguna Police. They were found days later outside the Susi Q Senior Center. The developers were circling the center, while their fellow seniors played Bingo. They were hopeful that management would grandfather a parking space, so they could ditch their car and join in. The police took the aging developers to the station to be transferred later to ICE. BINGO…deportment.

It’s been a long haul to get approval for the 24-room hotel. The developers can’t seem to check in. The city nixed the rooftop restaurant. The city nixed an oceanfront restaurant. The city’s concerned with adequate parking to accommodate these improvements. The developers scaled back their plans. The city hall rumor is the scaled back version will now be all parking and no restaurants or rooms. The all parking proposal will provide one taco truck to service tailgaters.

The scaled back version sounded wrong to me. So, I decided to do some investigative reporting. I dressed in camouflage. I wore a Jimmy Buffett parrot shirt, flip-flops and sang ‘No Cheeseburgers in Coast Inn’ over and over. I hid inside the camouflage house and pretended it was a tiki hut. I was close enough to listen in to a closed session of City Council.

One councilperson said, “Who’s singing off pitch?” “That’s singing?” questioned another. “Just ignore it. We have to line up more nays for this Coast Inn proposal. Any ideas?” “I have one obvious one. Coasters.” “What?” the group said in unison. “Well…there’s no coasters written into the proposal. This omission will cause water stains all over an historic building.” The council mulled it over. “BINGO that’s what we tell them come the review on April 7.”

Wow, I was surprised by the news. It seemed unfair to deep six the hotel due to the absence of coasters at Coast Inn. I didn’t want to interfere with the process. I contacted a press associate in the Ukraine to act as a go between. He was more than happy to oblige. “No problem. I’m happy to meddle in American politics. Consider us a sister country. Bribing and voting together.” I answered, “Thanks. Can you furnish the needed coasters?” “They will be there before April 7.”

True to his word, the coasters arrived in time. They were quite beautiful and engraved, “Make Laguna Great Again.” On the flip side was “Made in the Ukraine.” I thought this should do the trick. It was American ingenuity at its best.

I was truly looking forward to April 7, when a week late the developers would get their proposal approved and say “April fools” to the City Council.


Crantz tells the Indy that he enjoyed going undercover as Jimmy Buffett. He can’t wait to order a cheeseburger in Coast Inn when it opens.

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