Pet Peeves

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Flush

By Mark Crantz

I was on the pot when I read the Indy’s “Local Couple Offers Funds to Save Historic Sewer Digester.” As an old guy, nothing was happening, which gave me time to think about the Laguna couple, who offered to flush $500,000 down the toilet to save the building.

Knock. Knock. “Hey, I need to use the bathroom,” yelled my grandkid. “I’ll be out by my next birthday.” In a higher pitch than I’ve ever heard, “That’s too long.” I ask, “How do you know? When’s my birthday?” “I don’t know,” he squeals. “Guess,” I suggest. He yelps, “Today. It’s got to be today.” “Good guess. It is. Just hold my present in a little more. I’ll be out in a minute.”

By now, every Laguna preservationist has been stricken with a severe case of vocal diarrhea to tell me off about not saving this old restroom. I say, “Hold on. I’m not done here yet. I’ll be out in several more paragraphs.”

Here it goes. Last November, the city was hit with a 30-foot geyser of sewage near the Ben Brown golf course. Nearly 2 million gallons of sewage had to be released into the ocean. This is a whopping amount. It tells me two things. First, our sewer system is old and needs renovation. Second, my sewer system is old and needs renovation because I don’t go.

Nobody likes potty talk. It’s not glamorous like village entrances, hotels or parks. Those kind of projects get christened with plaques full of important people’s names. Nobody wants their name on a bathroom wall. Well, I take that back. Now, there’s a Laguna couple who seems destined to have theirs on it.

Knock. Knock. “Hey, I need to use the bathroom again,” I yell to my grandkid. “When’s my birthday?” the wise guy asks. I gasp, “Same as mine. It’s today.” “Nope. It was yesterday. I’ll be out in a year.” I run to my neighbor to ask when their birthday is and plan to drop this grandkid off at the nearest fire station next year.

In fairness, people should be able to spend their money as they see fit. Other influential Lagunans support their generosity and want to join in. They have suggested turning the Digester into a cafe. It would be cost effective because the bathrooms are already there.

I don’t know. I can’t #### or get off the pot on this one. Butt…I think I lean towards don’t #### where you eat. I hope other Lagunans will come up with a better mousetrap.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that he considered contributing to the Digester, but his wife told him to save border collies, instead. Crantz says he’s a sheep in person’s clothing and finds border collies too pushy and bossy. Giving them money is like ‘paying it backward’ to all the awful bosses he’s had. “Great idea, honey.”

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