Pet Peeves

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Dumbed Down

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

I read in the Indy that many parents are upset about upcoming curriculum changes. They say these changes will dumb down middle school math. Geometry is being eliminated as a separate subject. Oh the horror. Middle school kids are devastated. I can tell because the silence is deafening. They’re afraid to speak out. One brave seventh grader spoke to me on the condition of anonymity (Beth Gossipwich) and asked me, “Where will I go to pass texts, if geometry class is eliminated?” This is a good question. Do we want our children texting in Laguna Beach’s wild open green spaces, where reception is spotty at best? The first principle of geometry is to understand angles. If you can’t stay current with school gossip, you can’t figure out the best angle to take. Dah.

Cicero in the first BC said it best. “”Excitabat enim fluctus in simpulo ut dicitur Gratidius.” The other middle school BC kids had no idea what he was saying. One super smart kid, who predicted AD said, “He doesn’t speak English. He’s Latin, I think. His green card is up at the end of the month. I believe Cicero is saying he will marry anybody in order to remain in Rome and become its emperor.” Centuries later the translation was corrected to mean, “For Graditus raised a tempest in a ladle, as the saying is.” I say, “Roman candle fiddlesticks. Ladle de, ladle dah, the BC kids had it right, Cicero needed a hook up. Like bad dude.”

Education needs to be practical. I was good at geometry. Uncle Murray taught me old math. I learned about the vig, spread, and over/under. He gave me a medical tutorial about knees and angles of maximum account receivables. He shared the importance of Cicero’s ladle and the impact it could give, if properly struck at the correct angle. These were tried and tested curriculums.

“Don’t cry.” I give Beth Gossipwich a Kleenex. I’m sure the school will send you to study hall in the cafeteria until the geometry issue is sorted out. There’s wi-fi there. You’ll be able to stay current on who’s seeing whom. The crying dries up to a sniffle. I ask her, “Do you want geometry as a separate subject?” She wouldn’t look at me. My phone pings. “I want geometry separate because Brad likes geometry and I like Brad. The problem is, Sally likes Brad too. It’s an equilateral love triangle. I need the class to come up with a better triangle. I heard an obtuse triangle may work better for me. What do you think?” she texts back.

I phone Murray. “I need some advice,” I ask. Uncle Murray says, “Not on the phone. Let’s meet where all things said get lost. “Gotcha.” I think the Bermuda Triangle will be nice this time of year.

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

 

 

 

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