Wedding Bells
Thank goodness I wasn’t invited. I read in the Indy that the first couple married in a civil ceremony by Laguna Beach’s city clerk was on February 19. I had nothing to wear for such a momentous occasion. I’m down to broken flip-flops and ratty board shorts that are getting tighter and tighter with every passing happy hour. I’m letting the beach life overtake my fashion sensibility. To correct things, I’m going to try mimicking the layered covered up look. I hope within a year that you’ll have trouble telling me apart from Cindy, a Laguna Beach icon that embraces this fashion sensibility of sun protection. Remember this. Cindy carries an umbrella. I’m afraid of umbrellas. They’re bad luck. I carry a cat over my head. They have nine lives and are invaluable crossing Coast Highway.
The newlyweds met at Nick’s Restaurant. It was kismet. The other competing couple met at Rock’N Fish and before the man could propose, the restaurant went out of business. That couple is still locked in the upstairs restaurant until a new owner is found. Real estate experts are trying to move things along to save the marriage. It doesn’t look good. The woman is complaining that it was a lunch date and not a dinner date, which makes the marriage proposal moot according to dating protocols. Both mothers of the couple have set up camp downstairs next to the non-working elevator. Neither mother can do the steps and have resorted to a bullhorn to encourage the couple not give up hope. The mother of the groom-to-be said, “I was elated. I almost got my basement back. I wanted to put in an air hockey machine, pool table and ping-pong. You know a woman’s cave.” The bride’s mother nodded in agreement. “I just wanted my daughter to marry a man who could take care of her, me, my sisters, their no good husbands, and my rescued pets from the Irvine animal shelter. Is that to much to ask?” The Orange County Jewish Mother swat team stood ready to intervene should discussions break down.
The winning couple was happy to dine and be able to leave Nick’s to pursue the courtship. The couple is Swedish, going by namesakes. Initially, they wanted to be married in Sweden. The groom wanted a nocturnal wedding and the bride wanted a daytime wedding. In Sweden, you can have one or the other, but not both. They split up for a time while trying to find a more suitable venue to do both. Laguna Beach seemed able to accommodate both daytime and nighttime on the same day. The caterer cinched the deal by throwing in Swedish meatballs in lieu of the traditionally thrown wedding rice.
In a show of good sportsmanship, the winning Swedish couple to be married first by city hall, has agreed to step aside in a prenuptial agreement with the Rock ‘N Fish couple to allow the runner ups to be the first couple divorced by city hall in years to come. The Mother-in-laws are going over the fine print now with attorneys and are expected to move forward on the guarantee that their participation is included in the reality TV show package now under development by Netflix. The sitcom will be streamed into your home, along with a GrubHub app that allows popcorn, buttered or unbuttered, to shoot from your TV set at no additional charge. Bon appetite.
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column
“Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.
