Pet Peeves

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Stop Signs

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

Stop. Do not read further unless you live on Monterey Street. There are eyes in the sky. So far, Karen M from Brooks, Bob T. from Jasmine, and David R. from Mountain streets are busted for non-stop reading. The literary police are on their way to confiscate your Indys. Monterey residents, who were supposed to keep reading, but elected to stop reading Pet Peeves, will be busted for reckless abandonment of an elderly columnist. The literary police are on their way to resupply every Pet Peeves column ever written and will detain Monterey residents until they finish or laugh, whatever comes first. Serious money is on finishing rather than laughing. Las Vegas odds are 100-1.

What’s the deal with Monterey Street? According to a recent Indy article, the city council decided to eliminate all stop signs on Monterey Street to allow bicyclists to maintain optimum biking speed. Optimum biking speed is defined when a playing card is attached to the bike’s spokes and makes the same sound as a person pushing air through compressed lips, what is known to kindergarten sounding experts, as “The Raspberries.”

Sixty concerned parents from Monterey Street stormed city hall making raspberries about the eliminated stop signs. The raspberries were directed at Bob Whalen. Fortunately for the mayor, the residents arrived too early to the meeting because they didn’t have to stop at the non-existent stop signs to get there. The newly elected police chief, who had recently told the Woman’s Club that many of Laguna’s homeless were mentally ill and should be treated with compassion, was quick to the scene having been told by dispatch that the incident appeared to be a homeless uprising. The new chief realized upon arriving that it wasn’t a homeless incident and then got it sorted out soon after that it wasn’t the high cost of raspberries at Haggen, either.

When the mayor finally did arrive, the raspberries got louder. The concerned residents felt that the proposal was dangerous, reckless, unscrupulous and dishonest. In defense, the mayor held up a stop sign and asked for quiet. This move incited the crowd, who mistook the sign as one of their confiscated own and the raspberries reached a crescendo only matched by the fire department’s sirens on Coast Highway.

All fire stations heard the siren loud raspberries and responded by rushing to city hall to put out the alleged political fire. Attendees and residents were evacuated to Mission Hospital for possible hearing trauma and loss. When asked for their health insurance coverage, the victims said, “What?” Fortunately, an on call physician from the ‘Quiet Zone’ signed to the hearing impaired residents the need for their health insurance information. This request escalated the ear splitting raspberries, until Mayor Whalen agreed to send all hospital claims non-stop to the new Presidential Library at the University of Chicago. Attention Obamacare.

Mark splits his time between California and Michigan, but is always in the state of confusion and befuddlement. His wife told us so.      





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