Pet Peeves

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Roll Call

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

I had a dream the other night…

The City Council looked up and noticed people missing. Poof, appointees had disappeared into thin air. “Where are all our appointees?” Nobody knew. Nobody answered. For the first time in Laguna history, the room was silent. The council was at a loss without dissension. Rob Zur Schmiede broke the silence. “Maybe we’re under the dome?” His reference to the CBS hit television show was met with derision. “Rob are you suggesting that appointees to the Planning Commission and Design Review Board have been held outside of town by an invisible force field and cannot attend the meetings?” Rob took a moment before answering. He raked his hand through a dome of great hair, adjusted his glasses just so and pensively concluded, “I believe it’s safe to say that something big and supernatural is keeping these fine citizens from fulfilling their civic obligations.”

Kelly Boyd huffed, “A dome sure would explain the lousy cell phone coverage. Has anybody been up the Canyon Road, lately?” The group shook their heads no. Then one by one discovered that council members had collectively not left Laguna in 225 years. “Why leave? This is the greatest place on earth.”

Another piped up, “The world’s flat. Why chance falling off?” The group quickly changed course.

“If there’s a dome or some impenetrable force field, doesn’t it make sense to squash the village entrance project?” asked a councilperson.

“Sure would make Eli Grossman happy,” answered another. “By the way, do I assume correctly that we’ve heard recently from Eli and he’s still on the dome side of the city?” The group in unison said, “Yes.” Another added, “He’s in town and had a lot to say in the Indy last week.”

The room fell silent again. The city council was stymied on what to do. Rob Zur Schmiede ventured into the fray. “Maybe my namesake will help. My first name Rob originates from Robert’s Rules of Order. Zur is Hebrew for “Rock.” Schmiede means sawn wood or its modern day equivalent “paper/scissors.” I suggest the city council initiate an emergency order and choose six appointees through a game of “Rock, Paper Scissors.” The appointees will be deputized as a search party to go out and find the dome and establish its parameters.”

Before the council could vote, Kelly Boyd countered Rob’s proposal with one of his own. The newbie on the council or Rob would be drafted instead as a search party of one to find the dome. It was far too dangerous to send out the ordinary citizenry. If Rob did not come back and missed the next three meetings, then another civic minded citizen would be appointed to take Rob’s place. The roll call was taken and tallied all in favor and one dissenting, Rob.

Flash forward to fourth city council meeting. “Has anyone seen Rob?” The city council members shook their heads no. “Well, then,” Kelly Boyd said, “I’d like to welcome Eli Grossman to the city council and wish him luck on his search party efforts.”


…And then I woke up and had my breakfast of Fruit Loops, Lagunitas, one sugar pill and my blood pressure medicine. Ahh, reality checks back in.


Mark splits his time between California and Michigan, but is always in the state of confusion and befuddlement. His wife told us so.      



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