Pet Peeves

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By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

Some subjects are off limits. I avoid topics that I know next to nothing about. Indy readers disagree. They say my columns prove that I know nuthin’ about nuthin’. So I’ll revise my opening statement. I avoid all topics and write only nonsense. However, this column is different. I have something important to say.

Following is a column plagiarized from a leading expert on plants and global warming. I’ve put my name on it and take full credit. Why? Because this leading expert contributed dangling participles, split infinitives, and misplaced prepositional modifiers. It took me days to change his hieroglyphs. Lucky for you readers, I walk and write like an Egyptian. My contribution to this column far exceeds his plant expertise, which is osmosis (translation: smoking plants.) I can’t reveal his name because he’s doesn’t live in Colorado. His identity needs to be protected because his claims have roiled the publishing world of scientific papers. Publish or perish. Hale or inhale. He keeps on the move. We’ll just call him the “Wandering Jew.”

The Wandering Jew is also a plant. The scientific name is Tradescantia pallid. Of course, we all know plants don’t wander. Residents can sleep at night and know in the morning the plants in your garden will be in the same place. Next to dogs, plants are super-loyal. They don’t runaway. They don’t need a leash. Teenage plants never leave home or require Amber Alerts. These characteristics make people want to raise plants over children. However, this loyalty cuts both ways. Plants depend on Laguna residents. Plants are rooted in one spot.   They don’t go to Haagen for food, bottled water, or light bulbs and then come home and complain about the high prices. Instead, plants require homeowners to look after them. Plants require light, food, water and GMOs provided by Monsanto.

Through scientific observation or what I call just walking around waiting until happy hour, I’d say Laguna residents live up to their plant obligations. The plants look healthy and well cared for. But storm clouds loom everywhere, but here and that spells trouble for local plants after June 1. A new edict requires homeowners to water plants no more than two times a week, Mondays and Thursdays, for a maximum of 10 minutes each. This is not enough water. I know because my plant expert used me in his scientific experiment. My garden was the control group and watered everyday for ten minutes. I was given a placebo or non-alcoholic beer. I was only given real beer for 10 minutes on Mondays and Thursdays. The effects were immediate. I became droopy, mopey, and didn’t want to do karaoke. I closed my blinds and refused natural light. I hated photosynthesis, a fancy word for selfies. I didn’t interact with family or friends. I shut out the world, including plants. If I didn’t get beer, then they didn’t get water. My family liked the new me. My plants did not. The plants scheduled an intervention in July. They’re serious and bringing in muscle. The plant muscle is modified Venus Fly Traps that require little water, but hefty amounts of government bureaucrats and edicts. Of course, I’m rooting them on over my 24/7 beers.


Mark splits his time between California and Michigan, but is always in the state of confusion and befuddlement. His wife told us so.      

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