Wily Coyotes
“A dingo’s got my baby,” is an unforgettable line delivered by Meryl Streep in the 1987 movie “Evil Angels.” Streep learned the hard way about kids and dogs upstaging you. And the audience learned to stay out of the Australian outback and instead to get their down under fill at Outback restaurants in the good old U.S. of A. Much safer, but there’s no free miles or refills.
Now Laguna has had a similar scare. “A coyote got my ShihTzu.” This was made all the more scary because according to reports there was a baby right there next to the dog. Fortunately, the baby was way ahead for his months. Authorities found the baby holding a sign that read, “Eat mor Chken Shitzu.” Initially, police focused their investigation on area cows with past breaking and entering rap sheets. A police spokesman said, “Area cows were cleared within hours of the incident. Pacific Mammal Center experts alibied area cows by explaining that cows go up steps, but not down them. While cows could have snatched the dog, they couldn’t have made a clean getaway. Unrelated to the kidnapping, cows can’t swim, either. “That’s why we stopped releasing them at the Montage,” informed the Pacific Mammal expert. “It upset the children.”
So far the kidnapped dog has not been found. The baby has become a person of interest. “The child never liked the dog,” informed authorities say. “We intend to question the baby as soon as he learns to talk.” A FBI source says a successful pet retrieval happens within the first 48 hours of the abduction. Unfortunately, the baby isn’t expected to say his first words for another six months and child psychologists agree that the first words will not be “I did it.”
The investigation has picked up a new scent, coyotes. Wildlife experts from the Dirty Bird say they have seen increasing numbers of coyotes carrying small objects down Coast Highway at closing time. One patron remarked, “I thought it was that new taxi service, Uber, picking up a passenger. The other night, I tried to hitch a ride, but they just zoomed by.” His drinking buddy huffed. “You’re seeing things. That was a pink elephant in a regular taxi and they were fighting over peanuts.”
With coyotes in the crosshairs, I’ve decided to further law enforcement efforts by organizing a coyote search and capture party through the Pet Peeves International Fan Club. These two misanthropes are more than happy to stick their noses where they don’t belong. A police spokesman responded, “The police do not encourage vigilante justice. We urge the two Pet Peeves fans to stay out of it. Let us professionals do our jobs. Coyotes are wild and dangerous animals. Too many people think coyotes are stupid and easy to fool like Wile E. Coyote. Remember ordinary citizens aren’t as fast as the Roadrunner. Besides, all coyotes are innocent until proven guilty. Any animal, domestic or wild, at least, deserves their day in a kangaroo court. “
Mark and his two fans rode out of town in search of the missing dog. They promised not to return until they find the missing dog or a reasonable facsimile that will fool the new- born baby with the bad spelling.
