Pet Peeves


Groundbreaking Discovery

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

I took an inventory of my life. Bad career. Check. Bad marriage. Check and double check. (Gigantic asterisk needed here.) There has been one divorce, two annulments, three deportations, and a timeout. The timeout cost me the least. My current marriage seems to be working out. Ask my wife, Debbie, if you don’t believe me. She’s in charge of making big asterisks for me. This column serves as public notice to alert unfortunate citizens, who attended a Crantz wedding or such facsimile, to file Form #123456789 for a wedding present deduction allowance under Chapter 17 Bankrupt Marriage Law. Or citizens are directed to Target Stores that agree to accept Crantz returns in exchange for their identities back for credit scores 700 or higher. Lower scores can return gifts to Montgomery Ward.

I read with interest the Indy article regarding the groundbreaking ceremony for the Urth Caffe. Sounded like a nice event and I understand why I wasn’t invited. I’ve never attended a groundbreaking event. “Debbie, I need an asterisk.” But I’ve ground-broke before. I’ve pulled a lot of weeds in my day. And in my younger years, I appear to be smoking weed. I’ve never inhaled. Now that I’ve explained away that unfortunate incident, I declare my candidacy for mayor of Barstow. “Debbie I need a second asterisk.” But Lagunans can talk me out of the Barstow decision, if you think I’m needed at home. My platform is leave ranching to ranchers.

I have experience. I worked on a ranch before. “Debbie, I need a third asterisk.” But, it was in Ralph’s, fourth aisle, Ranch dressing. Close enough. I know what is needed. I’m going to hold my own groundbreaking ceremony to declare my run for Laguna city council. (Alert: Readers stop reading here. Cover your eyes and ears. What? You can do one or the other, but not both. Fine.) “Debbie, I need a dozen asterisks.” Stick these asterisks where needed.

Now that readers aren’t reading, I can make a backroom deal with Mark Christy, owner of the Ranch. It’s a special interest arrangement with everyone in Laguna. You scratch our backs. We scratch yours. It’s win-win. Go ahead and finish the project. Residents have your back. “Debbie, I need a final asterisk here.” But, I’ll borrow the blessing from the Urth Caffe event. “Bless this place, bless all of you, and bless America.”

And I have faith and have formally requested by this column’s notice that the Coastal Commission will agree to perform the blessing. If not, you aren’t eligible for the Crantz wedding gift return deduction, File Form #123456789.


Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

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