Pet Peeves

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What a Gas

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

Trump’s campaign manager was charged in Jupiter, Fla., for simple battery. The difference between simple battery and complex battery is the difference between simple car divorces and Elon Musk divorces that are complex batteries that have far greater charges and go on much longer. Musk has added lawyer-charging stations from coast to coast to make it across to the land of the free. (This description has nothing to do with the Jupiter police charge and should be considered by readers as a dead battery comparison.)

Let’s start over. Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was charged with grabbing a former reporter on her left arm, while she held a phone to try to record one politically correct comment. Thus far, no comments have been considered politically correct from the Donald. Trump’s campaign manager allegedly grabbed the reporter by the arm when her recording device that resembles an electric shaver got too close to Trump’s hairline and power base. One person close to the encounter recalled the incident. “I was standing right there. The reporter’s recorder phone was on a selfie stick that was lodged where no man has gone before. Trump and his campaign manager showed great restraint in preventing a medical exam going public.” (Note to Self: Has a Laguna councilperson every grabbed me? Check phone picture records.)    

Jupiter, the scene of the crime, is the largest in Florida. It is two and half times the size of all other Florida places combined. Jupiter is known as a gas giant. It is made up of hydrogen and helium. Jupiter citizens complain that politicians are gasbags, who talk in high squeaky voices. Mickey Mouse disagrees. “I’m from Orlando and I talk squeaky. Jupiter is not special. Sure maybe they have more fingers than me, but I’ve made a lot more money with less.” (Note to Self: Count Laguna councilpersons number of fingers. Compare to yours.)

Trump stands by Mickey and Corey’s innocence. “I believe these charges are frivolous and will be dropped in due course. Mickey is a great American hero. Corey isn’t. But he’s not as old as Mickey. I believe in time, Corey can be as great a character to America as Mickey is now and make me lots of money, as he grows. Both of them think I’m the big cheese and so I bestow upon them my benefit of doubt. They’re innocent until proven guilty, and they’re for sure guilty, if they don’t put the Trump name over Disneyland. Corey is making sure it happens and will continue circling in my orbit.” (Note to Self: Get Crantz name over Village Entrance.)

I reached out to the reporter to get her version of events. She filed a battery charge against me. I’m to appear in Jupiter in the next few weeks for arraignment. Trump has refused to support me. “I’m sorry,” Trump told me. “I have my hands full with Mickey and Corey. Try Hillary. She’s good with emails and getting back.” (Note to Self: Get Laguna lawyer. Hello, Larry.)

Crantz tells the Indy that Hillary has not gotten back, but the rest of the world answered her email.  


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