Pet Peeves

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Hold It

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

You’ll just have to hold it until we figure out which bathroom you can use. Readers shouldn’t bother raising their hand for permission to go, either. Nobody goes until we flush out an answer. Holding it includes bullies out there. There’s an emergency moratorium on giving swirlies. My fellow nerds can hold your heads high for a while. (I’ll try to take a long time to sort this out.)

Bathroom usage first stopped up in North Carolina. The legislature wrote a law forbidding the right to pick which bathroom to use. Bullies didn’t care because they mark their territory everywhere. My dog didn’t care, either. He goes in any room he wants to. But the rest of us were appalled. The government had gone to far telling us where to go. North Carolina suffered. Corporations threatened to leave. Rock concerts cancelled. Kidney dialysis treatment went south to the other Carolina.

I’m an expert on bathrooms. And no, it’s not because I need to go a lot. Let’s leave it at I know people who have to go a lot. So by extension, I’ve gotten to know where most of the bathrooms are around town. The good news is there are more bathrooms than bike lanes. The bad news is I haven’t found any Michelin stars. But that is probably a good sign because dining excellence is measured if you can eat off the kitchen floor. Bathroom floors are excluded, except for my dog, again. He was raised in a barn.

I believe the problem started long before North Carolina. For years now, I’ve been confused on bathroom usage all over the USA. It’s the signage. I’ll get the call of nature. So, I hurry. Two doors. Two choices. One says Hombres. One says Mujeres. I have no idea. I pick Uitility. People should have the right to pee in their own language. Then there are the nature choices. One bathroom is marked Drake. The other bathroom is marked Duck. Why should a guy named Drake get his own bathroom?

I stand for going where you want. Others sit for going where they want. Is it right that never the twain shall meet? I say meet. Both rooms should be used to promote more time outside the bathrooms, where the time is better spent getting to know one another beyond the base nature of our species. Of course, promoting compatibility will require blocking Wi-fi connection in all bathrooms to assure spouses return to the mobiles of their significant others. Only then, will ignoring each other be totally attained.

It seems such a simple solution to a complex problem. I got the answer while on the throne. I admit I had some help. “Bruce, I mean, Caitlyn, please pass me a square.”


Crantz couldn’t be reached for comment. He had a call of nature right before the press time deadline. The Indy couldn’t hold it and went to press.





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