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Piglet in a Parklet

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

I’m excited about the new parklet on Forest Avenue. Finally, I can park my car inside the restaurant. That was the trade off. Twenty diners now sit outside and bake. My car parks inside and doesn’t bake. These are trade offs that make for a great community. Everybody suffers, but me.

Frankly, I never heard of a parklet before now. I’ve heard of piglets. Come to think of it, isn’t there an expression about buying “a piglet in a parklet?” Is this what the community has done, to save my car from body damage? Well if so, I thank you from the bottom of my pocketbook. At a recent council meeting, some residents weren’t as happy as me. One person complained, “It looks like a cage. Do they throw food inside to the wild animals?” Another resident added, “Yes. They throw food at you. It’s a new and wonderful dining experience. It’s all the rage on the Amalfi Coast. Of course, Italian utensil manufacturers hate this new fork in the road. Hurts business.”

The parklet is a trial dining experience for 60 days. That’s good because that’s the amount of time it takes me to pay for a meal out. I say give us both a chance to see if this is doable and payable. There will be bugs to work out. I’ll need to get a loan and the city will need to find revenue for lost parking.

A simple solution would be for me to get a commission on the municipal idea to sell the city on dining stickers. Like annual car parking stickers, these dining stickers would adhere to the back of the diner’s shaved heads. Meter enforcers would look for current stickers. Those without stickers would be ticketed or towed to Irvine. Let’s do the math. Annual sticker @ $100 x 20 diners x 5 daily table turnovers x 364 days = $3,640,000 @ year. My takeout @10% = $360,400. And this doesn’t count the revenue from my new hair salon to shave those parking heads.

It’s a win-win. Maybe a win-win-win. Think of the additional revenue streams from the cars parked on either side of the parklet. These tourists can’t open their doors to go dining. They’re trapped. A captive audience. And I’m glad to help out. I will provide car-dining delivery from area restaurants. Alcohol delivery is permissible in exchange for car keys. Rides home will generate more revenue. Next day car returns will generate even more. This parklet will be a bountiful feast for all. Particularly me. That’s who counts.

Forget the 60-day trial. If the city acts now, I’ll throw in for free our beloved parade belly dancers in the two spaces adjacent to the parklet. I can see it now. Laguna’s very own Moulin Rouge. Life is a cabaret my friend. Life is a cabaret.

No fighting, girls. No fighting. You’re ruining my dream.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that he desperately needs to generate more retirement income and begs for your support. If not, how about a lift in the new police golf cart?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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