Pet Peeves

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Counting Chickens

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

Mother always told us kids, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” This advice confused us. We didn’t have chickens to count. We lived in suburbia, where the zoning laws forbid chickens and any associated counting. Of course, now I believe mother intended to pass along a life lesson to her own little chicks. And we learned. My brothers and I still hate math and 4-H Clubs.

I read in the Indy that residents are doing what my Mother advised against. The city is counting their chickens before they hatch. According to an Indy article, “Voters to Decide on Hotel Tax Hike,” the city council has reviewed survey results that show a majority of residents support an increase in the hotel tax to help pay for undergrounding utilities. Main Beach pigeons were in the minority against the hotel tax increase. One pigeon cooed, “We’re birds of a feather and we flock together on this one. We stand for the hotel tax increase, but we don’t stand on taking this new revenue and spending it on putting wires underground where we can’t stand on them.”

The survey also showed big resident support for directing new revenue to assure a healthy ocean and for fire prevention services. Fish and goats were pleased with these findings. However, the survey showed less support for seniors, the homeless, a village parking structure and a fire station in South Laguna. I must admit as a South Laguna senior worried about not having a close by fire station to drop off unwanted grandchildren and a senior who’s borderline neurotic about becoming homeless where I’ll be tossed into streets without sidewalks or bike lanes, and a senior who circles for downtown parking like he’s caught in a new self imposed roundabout from Hell, I was less pleased with the survey results than the fish and goats were.

What’s to be done about it? I’d like to leapfrog the fish and goats in people’s minds. But first, I’ll take a nap to be fresh before tackling this important civic issue. Snooze. Snore. Rise and shine. Now, I’ll draw people’s attention to my senior plight.

Mother used to say, “Keep your friends close and your friend’s wallet in your back pocket.” It’s cocktail hour at Big Fish. I’ll buy the first few rounds with my friend’s wallets for other fish patrons. Then, I’ll go purchase a vintage ’64 GTO (aka) Goat at Laguna Auto and provide parade transportation for the fire prevention goats in next year’s Patriots Day Parade. Cozy up. And before voters catch on, this senior, me, will appear to be just another fishy smelling old goat. The hotel tax money will pour my way.

Oops. I find myself counting my chickens. What would mother think? And worse, I’m acting like a coyote in a hen house. “99 bottles of chickens on a wall, 99 bottles of chickens, take one down and don’t pass it around, 98 bottles of chickens….

 

Crantz tells the Indy that he’s instituted a hotel tax on relatives, who visit him. Those that don’t pay get dropped off at the new South Laguna fire station. Crantz enjoys a lot more peace and quiet now. Relatives don’t come to visit so much anymore.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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