Pet Peeves


This Away to Beach


By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

Wow. Neighbors are mad at South Laguna beaches. When asked for directions to the beach, many are pointing this away to the beach.

An Indy article, “Visitors Overwhelm South Laguna Beaches,” explains residents are fed up with thousands of visitors. One neighbor said, “I see and hear them down there all day. There are kids down there 24/7, 365 days a year, all night long.”

The city agreed to help by finding the complaining neighbor a job to help fill up her day. The city also agreed to buy her an ocean front house in a quieter neighborhood and suggested she rent the old house on a short-term basis to the kids on the beach.

The complaining neighbor was taken aback at the city’s generous offer, but not comfortable to have nothing to complain about.

“There are a few more things I’ll need to make things right,” insisted the neighbor. “I’ll need a free shuttle to work. I’ll only work a 4-day, 20-hour week payable at the full 40 hours. The pension must be accelerated and vested by the first Friday of my first week of work. My retirement send off should be scheduled for Sunday at the Ranch. An open bar is mandatory. On the following Monday, I’ll need a consulting contract for five years after my departure to assist in the transition.”

The city said they would consider her counter offer. A closed session commenced to discuss the situation.

“We need to hire a consultant,” said the first councilperson. “No, I think we need to form a subcommittee first to see if we need to hire a consultant,” said the second councilperson. The third councilperson shook his head no. “What we need to do is be very careful here. How will this impact the art community? That’s the heart of Laguna. Will artists become upset if we give tax dollars to something other than public art?” The fourth councilperson answered. “We’re getting off track here. These are all side issues. The main question is, “How many steps are there, at Thousand Steps Beach?” The other three answered together, “A thousand.” The fourth councilperson smiled. “Says who?”

The council resumed open session and told the complaining neighbor, “We cannot meet your counter demands. We are uncomfortable dispensing remuneration, without knowing for sure how many steps are actually there at Thousand Steps Beach. Do you know?”

“Who cares? I’m a step ahead of you. Ben Segal, Village Manager of San Luis Capistrano has agreed to all of my demands, plus a million dollar signing bonus. I’m out of here,” beamed the complaining neighbor.

“Wait,” cried the fourth councilperson. “If you leave now, you’ll have nothing to complain about. Can you live with that?”

The complaining neighbor with a foot out the door hesitated. “You’re making my departure difficult. I’m feeling very anxious. I’ll stay if you agree to the million dollar bonus and another million for my pain and suffering.”

“Done,” shouted the four. “You’re an artist, a con artist. That is close enough.”


Crantz tells the Indy that he tried counting the steps. He got to 453 when he was accosted by an unknown number of children wielding an unknown number of water noodles at him. He got a water noodle of his own now for protection and will try counting the steps again.






Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here