My dog was relieved to read “Laguna Hits Water Conservation Targets.” Scratch that. The dog was happy when I read the article to him. Since June, I’ve been drinking out of the toilet and the dog hasn’t been happy. The dog retaliated by drinking my beer. Now it’s war. My wife tried to intervene. She said, “Sit boys.” We sat. She wagged her finger at us. We wagged our tails back. She dragged us by the collar. I got a swirly. The dog got an IPA. Both of us got a timeout. We’re now watching an hour of cats on YouTube and trying to appear remorseful. Don’t tell our jailer, but we love cat videos. Cats are stupid.
Wait. Maybe cats aren’t stupid. The dog and I learned something important in our last timeout. Cats give baths by licking themselves. They don’t use water. The dog and I are giving ourselves baths like a cat does. It takes practice. I got a huge furball stuck in my throat. I started choking. The dog ran and got an IPA. Drank it down right in front of me. I couldn’t do anything about it. I continued to choke. The dog ran and got a second IPA. Enough was enough. I dragged myself over to the toilet to drink some water to dislodge the furball. We got into another fight and received another timeout worth of cat videos. We were right the first time. Cats are stupid.
The drought has been tough on both of us. I’m pretty dirty. The dog hasn’t been any better at giving himself a bath than me. He gets furballs, too. He starts choking. But there’s a difference. When I get furballs I can’t move and begin turning blue. But when the dog gets furballs he smiles and runs for the fridge. He’s up to a six pack a day. I’ve tried explaining to him that he doesn’t need to be so clean. But the dog is obsessive about having a shiny coat and he thinks beer is a beauty product. I’ve tried explaining that it’s not the beer, but the beer nuts that give you that wonderful puppy look. Now he’s eating my snacks. The vet has put both of us on blood pressure medication.
Water conservation is tough. Our Newport Beach neighbors are not reaching their conservation targets. It’s not surprising. They’re too rich and important to drink out of the toilet. It’s an environmental shame. Newport residents are uptight. They are leaving a lot of drinkable water in their toilet bowls. The dog and I have an idea to help. We’ve put together a position paper for the Newport Beach city council to consider. The dog went on this paper before it could be submitted. My wife didn’t know which one of us did it so we both had to suffer through a third timeout of cat videos. We learned another thing though. Cats and Newport people like themselves too much. They need to make room for others. The planet is just so big. A second position paper kept off the floor outlines a solution. The trolley lines will be expanded. North trolleys will take Laguna residents to Newport to teach residents how to drink from the toilet. South trolleys will take dogs to Stone Brewery in San Diego. By February’s next water tally, my dog and I guarantee that both communities will drop consumption by five percent and all Laguna dogs will have a youthful puppy look that Cindy Crawford will be envious about.
Mark and his dog are hooked on cat videos. Now they watch them even when they don’t have a timeout.
