By Mark D. Crantz
Laguna Beach is good for walks on the beach. CSI found my footprints and I’m reporting to you readers while on the run. Apparently, waves do not wash away all footprints. I don’t like being a fugitive, but what’s worse is imagining the end. That’s when CSI’s David Caruso snatches off his Ray-Ban sunglasses and gives that smirk that says, “Gotcha.” What a poser. Don’t worry readers. I didn’t do it. It was a one legged person. I got a lead. Her first name is Eileen. She works at IHOP.
Speaking of water you can’t trust, most people know that you can’t drink salt water. The exception to the rule is Abe Sapien in ‘Hellboy II’. But then again, drinking the stuff has done nothing for Sapien’s fishy looks. I strongly suggest sticking to fresh water, if you want any chance on Match.com. When I was in college, I lived in a cabin in the woods that was 15 miles from campus and city water. My roommates and I drank well water. It was very Thoreau like without any thoughts. We did have a pond though. After a year and many dropped college courses, we noticed that the water began to smell. We pinched our noses and continued drinking and bathing in it. Finally one of us thought it (Thoreau) and took a water sample for testing to the biology department. Oops. The water was contaminated by our leaking septic tank. Yuck. You bet.
I haven’t been able to order a water back since. Looking back on it, things may have been different if my roommates and I had seen on late night TV that heavy bearded pitchman who shows the malnourished children drinking bad water like we did a generation before. The commercial could have warned us to stick to liquor straight up and sent us much needed revenue too. But then again, we were college kids and never listened to anybody over 30. What could they possibly know? And honestly, that pitchman is definitely over 30 and looks like he gets six square meals a day. Why he couldn’t cut back to three squares and save the children himself will always be a mystery to me and other insomniacs.
I suspect that other Lagunans have not had the water experience of my past. But there does seem to be a similar aversion to the stuff. Laguna Beach has been awarded the wisest water city. Collectively, we have shown the world the importance of conserving water because of its scarcity. Unbeknownst to me, I have played a small part by not ordering water backs since college. The only thing that puts a wet blanket on our award is the recent announcement that the cost of water is going up. Consequently, we will have to double our efforts to win the wisest water honor again. I’m taking a page from my past and you should too. I’ll be hoisting next year’s drink from the toilet. It didn’t hurt me then and it won’t hurt me now. If you see the TV pitchman, tell him to send me money. I’d like to buy the next round. Hold your nose. It helps.
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.