Start Yellen

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

Don’t be confused Indy readers.  This column remains Pet Peeves, although the title suggests I’m encroaching on the column Taking Stock.  I would never traipse on a fellow writer’s turf.  You can take my bitcoins to the bank and then buy drugs at your earliest convenience. I swear to you on the Winklevoss twins’ lives that I know nothing about stocks or the economy and leave the good advice to Tony’s Taking Stock column. Never take money tips from me, unless you yearn for a great depression and the fireside chats that go along with it. By coincidence, Janet Yellen was sworn in, in front of a fireplace on Feb. 3 to succeed Ben Bernanke to lead the Federal Reserve. It was a small and quiet affair except for some swearing in done by Larry Summers, who didn’t get the job.  Larry was escorted to Ben’s helicopter that throws money out of it and hasn’t been heard from since.  It seems that fireplaces are important when the time comes to get rid of Fed minutes.  Responding to the first reporter’s written question, Yellen clarified, “I never said that.  What I said was bet on 17 red and then go eat cake.  Desserts are comped on the house that Ben and I built.  Burn this response in the fireplace.

Yellen becomes the first woman to lead in the 100 year history of the Federal Reserve.  As her first order of business, she told gathers and money-grubbing relatives to call her chair rather than chairwoman, the title Ben preferred after business hours.  The distinction seems important.  Economists believe that the chair appellation draws attention away from the fact that a woman is now in control of America’s checkbook and as my many wives have taught me over many years of my crying, checks are just paper with numbers on it.  “Live a little. Don’t you just love my Jimmy Choos?”

One person who was relieved at the chair title was Pee-wee Herman, who didn’t want Yellen to use Chairy, a dear friend he liked to sit on.  However, Washington insiders believe that Yellen plans to borrow heavily from the Pee-wee Playhouse operation located in Puppetland.  Yellen promises more transparency.  Now following Fed meetings a secret word issued by Conky the Fed Robot will be revealed to investors and market watchers, who then are encouraged to scream out real loud and start yellin’ when the secret word is repeated by economists, analysts, and talking heads.  Yellen’s secret words and expressions to be on the look out for include: Taper; New Normal; More tools in the toolsheds; Quantitative Easing; Carry Trade; Bailout; Numbers baked in; Kick the can down the road and the final expression four years from now, “I’m stepping down to spend more time with my family.”

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago.  He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.”  His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

Share this:


  1. I am flattered that Mark chose to refer to my “Taking Stock” column. He has inspired me to offer one guranteed formula for making a small fortune speculating in penny stocks. It requires simply beginning with a large fortune.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here