The Talk

By D.J. Ware

People often ask me what being almost 80 and climbing is really like. So far the vintage years are good, and making good decisions is essential to living a good life. I’ve learned over the years, when the bluebird of happiness drops a load on you, the decisions to get up, get out, and get going are life-altering events and an easy ride to good mental health. So buckle up, let’s begin the talk.

Growing older is a universal fact; it’s like a rollercoaster ride, up and down. The decisions that influence easy graying can be a pain-in-the-ass, or a thrilling and exciting, fun-filled ride. A time to investigate insights, explore consciousness, or just enjoy the good life.

It’s also a time to meet new friends, observe humanity, travel to new countries in faraway places. The snafu is trying to figure out how to stay alive as long as possible. Since you asked what it’s like, here are a few of my personal insights and good decisions I’ve made over the years.

When the vicissitudes of life get you down, get a zipper pacemaker; it will tune you up really fast. A remote control with only two buttons will help keep you calm. Seek out talented teachers like a drunk looks for a bar. And for the writers, trust me, no one gives a rat’s ass about a misplaced comma. This decision was a lifesaving one.

Stay out of doctor’s offices; let them try out their new drugs on their own pharmaceutical honchos. These following decisions might ruffle a few feathers. Tell the family the house is in your name and you aren’t selling. Embrace the stairs; up and down is a good cardio exercise. Just remember to hold onto the rail! Who’s in charge? You are! Put a “No Vacancy” sign on the gate and front door. Let the grandkids know in strong verbs that it’s time to let go of the sugar tit. No more…money. Also, be sure to give them a good tongue-lashing; let them know you have the funds to hire a secretary to teach you computer skills. The grandkids are lousy instructors anyway.

Most important, these personal decisions to stay well-groomed were lifting. Always get fluffed up once a week. The gossip in the beauty or barber shop is great and a good haircut will take you anywhere. Do get a pedicure and nail trim once a month before your appendages need a saw to trim.

Read ambitiously, good but also trashy books. Forget good and evil; stay in the middle. Trust me, you won’t go blind. If you need help in the birds and bees department, read “Fifty Shades of Gray” – it’s the kama sutra redux with whips and chains.

My doctor loved these decisions: eat fruit and vegetables until you have created enough wind to blow the house down. Watch Dr. Oz, he’s free. Don’t be scared of first encounters of any kind; there are not that many shopping days left. Take walks with anyone who can go one mile without calling 911. Forgo bingo, go to bed early with anyone you can find still vertical.

Drink a little wine because it tastes so damn good and makes you feel fuzzy. Don’t let the self-appointed moral guardians of society tell you what’s appropriate behavior. Since you have earned the right to easy graying, be who you are. Do your own thing. Remember, if it hadn’t been for all the bullying, abuse, rejection, and humiliation you’ve suffered and endured all these years, you never would’ve become the wonderful forgiving, loving, trustful human being you are today.   If you want to, you can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

I’m so glad we had this time together and this talk. Now I must say bon voyage. I’ve made a grand decision. I’m leaving for Seville on a fast plane to find me a young, good-looking bull fighter. See you next month.

Love, Laugh and Live…

DJ Ware enjoys life traveling, writing and spending time with new and old friends.