Opinion: Pet Peeves


Life Coach – Lesson 2


By Mark Crantz

“Hello, city hall.  I’m an old person over 60.  The governor has requested we quarantine ourselves. My dog refuses to follow his advice. The dog wants to go out. Do you advise on a local level to follow the governor’s advice. Answer quickly, my dog is going in circles awaiting your response.”

The experts believe the answer to the coronavirus is social distancing. The suggested minimum distance is six feet. I checked with the CDC to be sure. My wife Debbie answered. She believes CDC stands for “Call Debbie Crantz.” I asked the expert. “Honey, is six feet enough space?” She answered, “There’s no one measure for all. In your case, the minimum distance is 6,331 miles to Italy. Arrivederci.”

“Hello. Hello, city hall? Nobody has called me back. My dog looks woozy. He has to go bad. I don’t want to go against the governor’s wishes, but I need to know that I won’t get arrested, if I take him out. Call back, ASAP.”

These are stressful days. I’m here to help readers through the worst of times. As a self-anointed life coach, I can advise the best ways to protect your loved ones. We want the best for little Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, Franklin, McKinley and Cleveland. Their health and prosperity is very important. Their health is number one, no matter what you tell the other loved ones. Do not worry about your money. The markets have circuit breakers. One was used the other day. Here’s the audio replay: “DING, DING, DING… the markets are open… DING, DING, DING… the markets are closed.”

“Go potty inside. It’s okay boy. Uncross your eyes. You’re creeping me out. It’s not your fault. Blame the governor. He got us into this mess. You’ll make yourself sick if you hold it in. Chinese dogs tried to. It just made them sicker. You won’t get in trouble. Let ‘er rip.”

As your life coach, I need you to stay positive. You can’t depend on anybody, but yourself. Mandatory social distancing creates loneliness. The first kind of persons, who feel the isolation, are bullies and bosses (BBs). The BBs make up 10% of the population. Suddenly, there are no others within reach to push around. These BBs don’t know what to do with their pent up rage. It is important for the rest of us wimps. the other 90%, to appreciate their difficult dilemma. Take advantage. Stick out your tongues. Flip them the bird. Shoot them the moon. Better yet, do it all at once. You’ll feel positive and invincible to the the other BB, coronavirus.

“Good boy for going inside. Here’s a cookie. Now, let’s box up the number one and number two and put it in this Fedex box addressed to the California Governor. “What? We have too much number one and number two. Ahh… no problem. More to go around. Here’s another Fedex box for city hall. What, there’s still more? Okay then, here’s some for the White House…”

Hey, Fido eat up.  We’re going into a new business. I’ve got a big mailing list.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he takes his life coach advice seriously.  Don’t practice what he preaches.

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