Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach – Final Lesson

By Mark Crantz

Congratulations, readers. You made it to the final lesson. That means you are alive and Covid-19 didn’t get you. And more importantly, you didn’t get so mad at the life lessons I gave you that you refrained yourselves from murdering me and making it look like a coronavirus hit. I blow you all kisses from six feet away. Oh wait. The pandemic’s initial wave is over. Let’s French kiss. It’s been too long mon amie.

Where do we go from here? That’s a good question and deserves examination. The societal costs have been high. The government spent $3 trillion to send us to our rooms.  During this timeout we thought heavily about the meaning of life. You realized how important your loved ones are. You got to know your family better. The sequestered time gave you the chance to reconnect. By now, you’re thankful for this unexpected opportunity to know for certain that divorce and disowning the children are the best way to go from here. There’s no doubt in your mind that a fresh start for everybody is a good thing. A clean start will give your old loved ones the time to find new loved ones when Covid-20 arrives.

The government now tells us that the $3 trillion will have to be paid back. Apparently, the American grounding wasn’t free. Our leaders would like to forgive this debt and give us a pass, but can’t because they believe in a strong dollar for themselves. You believe in a strong dollar, too and wish you had one. You consider running for office to get in on the largesse. You realize it’s the only choice because you lost your weak dollar job during your sheltered timeout.

You’re nervous about becoming a politician. You go to the bedroom mirror to practice talking out of both sides of your mouth. It’s not easy saying opposite things to the electorate and making it look natural. Let’s practice being politically correct together.  Say after me, “While unemployment is up to 100% there’s no need for concern because your unemployment compensation is going up 200%. The unemployment adjustment comes with a 4,000% tax increase to retire the Covid-19 debt. But rest assured the tax burden is mitigated by dependent deductions.”

You call a final family meeting to say farewell. You make a toast. “I loved you guys.  Please don’t go. I’ve changed my mind about the divorce and dis-ownership. Blood is thicker than a weak dollar. To put it another way, if you’ll stay, everybody gets a 5,000% increase in allowance.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he has enjoyed being the readers’ self-anointed life coach and the opportunity it gave him to give out free advice, but now it’s time for reader’s to payback with their votes to make him Chairman of the Federal Reserve, where he’ll secure a strong dollar for one and only… himself.       

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