Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Cute as a Bug

By Mark Crantz

The big question these days is, “Do kids go back to school or stay home?” I say the choice should be left to their parents with the understanding that if they choose school, the kids will receive minimum wage. Kids, who stay at home, will get child coal miner wages that amount to none. Stay at home parent and teachers will receive a canary to take down with them during online schooling, as an early warning system of impending craziness.

I don’t care which way this issue goes. I’m a senior citizen and I don’t have a dog in this fight. Just to be clear, when I did have kids in school, they succeeded without any direction from me. “Dad, you can’t do math.  Stay out of it. And by the way, we want a 20% increase in our allowance.” (Pause for dad thinking) “Okay. Geez, percentages are confusing to me. I’ll need the hard number from you guys.” 

Both choices keep kids out of my orbit. This pandemic has been difficult for me. I have one daily ritual. Keep walking. It’s the last thing I can still do to fend off Father Time.   Walking has been challenging this last summer. Here’s a typical exchange between my wife and me. “Watch out. Incoming petri dish on your 11. Correction twelve petri dishes.  Abort. Abort.”

Kids are cute as bugs… pre-pandemic. Now I’m not so sure. From the looks of things, they don’t seem to be aware of the seriousness of the times. They go maskless. They don’t practice social distancing. And they travel in packs which questions how much shelter in place have they been doing lately?” My guess is not much. That’s why I call them petri dishes and plan a clothing line of senior Hazmat suits to protect the most vulnerable of us. Each Hazmat suit comes with a 12-day supply of senior depends for those walkers surprised at corner encounters.

It’s important to point out that kids have strong immune systems and seniors do not. It’s no fault of the children. They’re just kids. I remember being one. I had boundless energy.  I was always moving. I never talked about my knees hurting or trying to remember my last bowel movement. “Honey, do you think I’m full of ####?”

So, I wish all petri dishes at home or in school good luck this year. Learning is good for you. And don’t expect much help on homework from your parents. Give them a hard number for an increase in your allowance.

Crantz tells the Indy that he went to a one-room schoolhouse. It was a bathroom…a nostalgic time of good bowel movements.

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