Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Applesauced

By Mark Crantz

Hip hip hooray to all techno nerds out there. Apple just unveiled its new iPhone 12. This is the biggest news ever because Apple 12 for the first time in the history of phone sex has engineered to have it over before the first ringtone ends. The three dates rule is so yesterday’s phone. Girlfriend calls best friend. “It’s me. I just checked my phone log. I had 12,450 “curl my toes” moments this month. How about you? You don’t know. What? Your phone is an iPhone 7 and you’re waiting for a call back from him?”

I have an iPhone 7. For the record, I’m happy with my current ‘curl my toes’ moments. My doctor left me a voicemail that told me my foot cramps can be fixed with an enriched magnesium diet. It’s the same old tired refrain I’ve heard all my life. “Put down the beer. Pick up a vegetable.” I’ve never listened. My toes continue to curl at a bearable amount each month.

Am I sad because I’m behind the times? I can’t remember. What was the question, again?Oh yes, I remember now. No, I like my current iPhone 7. It has a cracked screen. Also, the screen image doesn’t hold because a pit bull from the dog shelter, where my wife volunteers, stole the phone and attempted to severe her chance to call for help. My wife wasn’t mad. She was more concerned that the dog would have to be placed with a family who doesn’t have a mobile phone family plan. As far as I know, the dog is still at the shelter because prospective dog owners won’t disconnect. Phones are now man’s best friends. Roll over Rover.

I’m like this pit bull. He hates phones. I hate phones. Being connected 24/7 is overrated.  Unlike this dog and me, most people cling to the hope that love, money and fame are just one phone call away. This dog and I know better. There are no calls coming in from Petsmart announcing free food and treats for a lifetime. Or the life-changing call telling us that Beethoven got a wicked case of fleas and we’ve scored the next big Disney hit.

So, I will stick to fermented apple-flavored beer and stay sauced. But don’t let me stop you. Everybody else can go get that super-duper fast Apple that will curl your toes. But remember what happened the last time a person was tempted by a piece of fruit.

Crantz tells the Indy that he has a fave five contact list. It’s all his doctors with the same advice. “Eat your vegetables.”

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