Silent, but Deadly
Dave Barry is the greatest humorist of my generation. Barry replied, “No, thank you, Crantz. Your remedial writing makes me look great.”
Putting aside our mutual admiration society, Barry was the first fake scientist/humorist to warn people of the danger of greenhouse gases. Way back in the 1980s, Barry warned his readers about cow flatulence. Cow farts, cow burps and cow piles contribute 60% of the lethal methane gas released into the atmosphere. Everybody laughed at Barry. He was just a fake scientist after all. His previous scientific research didn’t help, “Sex after 40.” Everyone knew that was so untrue. People wrote him off, as the middle age boy, who cried orgasm. No one took him serious.
Holy cow, how times have changed. California’s Gov. Brown just signed a new state law to reduce short-lived climate pollutants. Part of the law mandates cutting methane from livestock 40% by 2030 from 2013 levels. The Golden State has the most dairy cows in the nation with a herd of 1.7 million animals and the fewest milking machines at 17. There are 4 million upset dairy and beef cows with signs protesting, “Get Milk. Get Real or Kill Me,” “Happy Cows Leave California.” “Chikens Fart Mor.”
The Council for Rubber Chickens stood up to the accusation. “Only 10% of the methane gas comes from non dairy livestock. Most chickens are boneless and don’t rely on milk to make for strong bones or farts,” bock-bocked their spokesman. “Cows are always pointing hooves at us as the offending party. The animal kingdom knows the guy pointing is the one cutting the silent but deadly ones.”
Since the passage of the new law, dairy farmers have noticed an alarming uptick in cow tipping. Residents are angry at the cows’ offensive behavior and are tipping them over to show their disdain. “It only makes things worse,” pleaded a farmer. “Once a cow is tipped. It can’t get up. The prone position reeks havoc with the cow’s digestive track. Gas builds internally without the natural burp or fart release valve. Spontaneous cow explosions are wiping out entire herds at a time and releasing humongous amounts of methane gas. California schools have had more methane days off than all other states snow days combined. The dairy association warns, “Something has to be done. We are just one match away from tofu burgers in our school cafeterias.”
Real scientists are coming to California’s rescue. A lead scientist explains, “We’ve picked up on Dave Barry’s early work. Our entire research group is now having orgasms after 40. Also, headway has been made on cow flatulence. We have studied cows from one end to the other. To our surprise, cows are not physically different than other non- dairy livestock. Gas expulsion should be the same. Over production of methane gas is a behavioral problem. Cows eat grass and farting is a defense mechanism to keep other cows away from their food. Behavioral scientists following in the work of B.F. Skinner are now teaching cows to substitute “Moo” to “Move” rather than farting in retaliation to get more space. Other scientists are finding great success in teaching cows armpit farts as a substitution to the real thing.
Crantz reassures Indy readers that Laguna’s goats are way ahead on the behavioral change curve. They’ve learned to drink tea with their pinkie finger extended and leave tin cans uneaten.
