The Nuclear Family
I was taught the most important thing in the world is the nuclear family. I learned this lesson from my uncle, who was married four times and had an extended nuclear family. This family does not get along with each other and the turmoil puts a strain on my uncle, the nucleus of this unstable amalgamation. He spends his life trying to contain percolating emotions from overflowing and causing irrevocable damage to everyone who is part of this emotive clan. Bob’s my uncle. He works for Southern California Edison. He takes his home to work with him. That’s why he’s so good at what he does. Containing fallout.
Bob’s wives are all named Cindy. Cindy with a “Y” is the current wife and lives with Bob in San Clemente. The exes in order of longest divorced are: Cindi, Cindee, and Cindie. It’s difficult for Bob to talk about his exes. He’s resorted to naming them after the parts of an atom. In divorced order they are Proton, Electron and Neutron. Proton is a positive force and helps others to Bob’s money. Electron is a negative force and helps herself to Bob’s money. Neutron is neutral due to overwhelming ingestion of drugs. She’s under psychiatric care and Bob’s secret favorite. Why, because she’s locked down and in a safe containment.
Bob is happiest between work and home. Work is at the decommissioned San Onofre Power Plant. He’s responsible for 1,609 metric tons of spent nuclear fuel. It’s highly unstable and Bob needs to find a safe place to permanently store the stuff. Nobody wants it. Bob’s calls go unanswered to other cities. Bob begins to envy Ellen, the talk show host. She gives away things people want. Bob loves the 12 Days of Christmas Giveaways. Bob wants to become Ellen. He starts to wear vests and begins dancing all the time. Bob is now unstable. Not a good thing for work or home.
Laguna Beach city council comes to the rescue. In a clearly crafted resolution sent out to people in and of authority, the proclamation demands that Bob and Southern California Edison stop dancing around the issue and instead find a permanent solution to this nuclear waste pile. Copies of the resolution are sent to Cindy, Cindi, Cindee, and Cindie.
The women know the need for intervention when they see it. Bob’s stability, for better or worse, is all they have. The women call Bob’s second cousin, thrice honored by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to help. Homer Simpson agrees. He accepts delivery of the spent fuel rods to Springfield and helps relocate the execs to Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, and Fukushima for supervised containment. I explain to Uncle Bob that Homer Simpson is not real. He’s just a cartoon. My uncle agrees that Homer is animated and bigger than life.
Surprisingly, work and home become good again. And to think it took only a city resolution and two backstage passes to the Ellen DeGeneres show. Uncle Bob and Homer’s passes are for the 13th day of Christmas. Oops. Do we need to make different arrangements?
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.
