By Mark D. Crantz
Laguna Beach. Another perfect day in Paradise, but oh no, there are makeovers. These changes are for the most part good. The Main Beach lifeguard tower is getting a makeover, which includes a new roof, stucco repair and new paint. And the former Laguna Federal Savings and Loan Association on Ocean Avenue is getting refurbished to its 1945 original glory. A day and age when people actually saved unlike the Loan and Loan Associations we have today. “Sure you’re creditworthy, you’re breathing aren’t you?” For those savers out there, yes, that’s right you two, who have been hiding from cash strapped relatives since World War II, you’ll be glad to hear that you can cash in those 1913 nickels and soon be able to buy New York style pizza at the new restaurant that replaces the S&L location for everyone in town. Your hiding days are over.
I’ve set up a Facebook page for you with a link to your enormous banking accounts courtesy of my Chinese hacking friends. Aunt Fannie and Uncle Freddie will be joining us for dinner to discuss reversing your wealth to their balance sheets. Look forward to sharing a slice and then some.
And south Laguna neighbors are happy to hear not of a makeover, but the beginning of a do-over. It seems that the Chateau Relaxo days are over. Demolition of the boarded up house will begin next month. The owner, a descendant of Rumpelstiltskin was awoken after a 20-year nap and told to fix up the dump or get out. Rumpelstiltskin explained to the village council that he intended only a short nap and remembers telling the general contractor to wake him when the work was finished. The contractor supported the owner’s explanation and said the work could be finished in another six to 12 years. The owner considered the contractor’s offer, but he decided to leave because one more nap was too much, he wanted to live some. Neighbors are delighted and told Indy reporters, “He was a quiet man, just too quiet. Would you want to live around mimes?” questioned a neighbor. “I’m still waiting to hear if I can borrow a cup of sugar or not.”
These makeovers are hitting me a little to close to home. I think I may be going the way of Chateau Relaxo. The other day I noticed that an acquaintance was looking down at me. Weird, I thought. I’m used to my family looking down at me, but this person barely knows me, as well as my own flesh and blood. And it keeps happening.
The other day a stranger asked for directions to the Laguna Beach Ferris wheel. I was more than happy to direct him up Laguna Canyon Road for 50 or 60 miles, but the driver looked down at me during this Samaritan act. Nobody looks me in the eye any more. Or are they? So I decided to get the latest face recognition software application that acts like a mirror and tells you your face age compared to your chronological age. “Mirror-mirror on the wall, who’s the youngest of them all?” To which Siri replied, “Who’s there? I can’t see you. Hold the phone camera lower.” Once adjustments were made, Siri said, “Hello? Margaret Thatcher? I thought you were…never mind…What can I do for you Iron Lady?”
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.