Pet Peeves: Resolutions

By Mark Crantz


2 col pet peeves Mark CrantzLaguna Beach.  Another perfect day in paradise, but now it’s time to make New Year resolutions. Oh no!  And this year I’m not prepared because I was counting on my Mayan calendar to get me out of this time worn ritual. Darn those magnetic fields. If they had just reversed there would have been no gravity and my annual weight reduction resolution would have been easily met. Remember the camera makes you look 15 pounds heavier. Everybody gets 10 retakes.

It gets harder every year to make resolutions.  You just know deep down inside that the eating less, the drinking less, and the gambling less are just not going to make it through February no matter how many times my wife makes these resolutions for me. I know she has my best interests at heart, but I tell her each and every year that she married me for better or worse and I’ve met her half way. I also point out that I don’t make up resolutions for her to do to which she replies, “That’s because I’m perfect.”

Speaking of perfect, I found out from the Gideon Bible in Room 312 at the Do-Do Drop Inn (Pets Welcomed) that the very first resolution was actually called a solution. Eve proposed to Adam that he eat more fruit. Adam accepted the healthy suggestion, ate the apple and it’s been a living hell ever since with wives breaking up Paradise by making up resolutions for their husbands.

Because turnabout is fair play, I’d like to make some general resolutions for the fairer sex. For 2013 please use less cotton balls. I’m presently buying this product by the tons at Costco and I never get enough. I’ve been told it’s not my business to know what cotton balls are used for because it would take the mystery out of the relationship. That’s fine by me so long as you can assure me that the butler and pool boy didn’t do it. Also, I’d like to propose for restaurant menus to add another soup to go along with every woman’s favorite, the Wedding soup. Just for healthy food group balance, it should be called Divorce soup and men never pay for it.

To tell you the truth and never a line, I lost my will power on 2002 because that year made up the coolest looking oversized New Year’s Eve glasses. All glasses after 2002 will never stand up and my resolutions won’t either.  I think the older you get and the more resolution failures that you chalk up, then you begin to realize it’s not worth the effort because you’ll just end up as dust anyway.  That’s why I suggested to Time magazine that Dyson be named Man of the Year in 2013.  Remember it’s dust to dust so go easier on yourself and make fewer resolutions.  Just suck it up and be happy with the way you are. I wish everybody in Laguna a very Happy New Year.  You’re perfect just like my wife.


Mark Crantz remains intoxicated by his adopted hometown, Laguna Beach.

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