Column: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach

By Mark D. Crantz

The coronavirus is all around us. It’s very very small. You can’t see it even if you squint your eyes real tight. Experts tell us that you can get more coronavirus on the head of a pin than angels. They know because in a recent scientific study all the infected angels coughed themselves off the head of a pin and there was still room for a zillion more virus to climb on board. None of the angels have returned and are believed to be temporarily housed in vacant dormitory rooms across the country that are smaller than the head of a pin. Godspeed, angels now living in these collegiate petri dishes.

So, how do you guard yourself from an enemy you can’t see?  Scientists don’t know.  But fake scientists do know. Their miracle cures can be found on Amazon.  The most sold remedy is snake oil medicine. A fake scientist, who clams two medical degrees from China and Italy, insisted we address him as Dr. Dr.  “Let us ask you, Dr. Dr., why does snake oil work on coronavirus?” Dr. Dr. answered, “Which one of us are you asking?” I replied, “I thought you are one doctor with two degrees?  Dr. Dr. chuckled.  “No, no.  We are two separate persons sharing one body with one degree each.  One degree from China and one from Italy.” “Okay then. Dr. China, why does snake oil cure coronavirus?”  Dr. China answered, “Snakes are known to have worse eyesight than humans and can not see the virus, but nevertheless, they are immune. Our miracle cure is snake oil venom.  Our customers never die from coronavirus, only snakebite.”

For those readers afraid of snakes, let me be of assistance.  Together, we will tough it out.  I will become your life coach. I’ve been to the store many times since the outbreak.  There are some simple precautions to take. First beware of your social distance.  You must maintain a distance of six feet. Use duct tape and put two yardsticks together (six feet) before you go shopping for survival rations.  Put on a pair of dark glasses to mimic a person of vision impairment. The darker the lenses the better. This accessory is very important, in case, you have to whack a shopper out of your six foot survival zone.  Looking impaired will protect you from getting hit back to defeat your survival circle.

I’ve made some important discoveries. Get to the store early. The good stuff gets hoarded fast. In the frozen food section, survivalists stock up on green beans, peas and broccoli.  Whereas, the virus thrives on carrots, corn and mixed vegetables that nobody wants to buy.  In the pizza aisle, shoppers in the know stockpile California Pizza, Red Baron Pizza and Tony’s Pizza. Not surprisingly, Tombstone pizzas are still available.

But remember, the world is full of ###holes. So start your shopping in the toilet paper aisle first. Good luck. Stay well.

Crantz tells the Indy that whatever he can’t get on store shelves, he just takes from other people’s carts.  Nobody stops him or…WHACK!   

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1 COMMENT

  1. “Put on a pair of dark glasses to mimic a person of vision impairment. The darker the lenses the better. This accessory is very important, in case, you have to whack a shopper out of your six foot survival zone. Looking impaired will protect you from getting hit back to defeat your survival circle”

    So, essentially you are saying to fake a disability that actually affects some and use it to your advantage? I get that you are trying to make a joke but find a better way to do it

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