Le Plage Laguna
Bonjour, my name is Pierre Le Poodle. Perchance we have met before. I live in Laguna with Brion, my person. Today I found out we live with Brion’s parents. For years I thought we lived in Brion’s house and that the old people who lived with us were a couple Brion took in as charity. He told me they cook and clean in exchange for free rent. Le Cougar, that Brion brought home from the Dirty Bird last night, stormed out the door this morning. Her parting words were, “You, a 43-year-old man, live at home with mommy and daddy.” I don’t think she was a satisfied visitor.
As we left for our marche, the old people were trying hard not to laugh. I’m starting to wonder who buys my kibble. At least with our new 6-foot leash, current dog license, and poop bag plainly in view, I don’t have to worry about the animal control officer anymore.
Brion was telling me how things have changed on le plage. When he was young, he found a bouteille with a remarque in it from Le Scripps Institute of Oceanography. It asked him to return the remarque informing them when and where le bouteille was found. Back in those days so little was known about the ocean that this was how they mapped the currents. Today we know much more about the sea. Especially that we are quickly filling it with plastic. Soon that plastic will weigh more than all the fish in the sea. I have eaten plastic and I’m here to tell you it isn’t as tasty as fish.
The change I see at le plage is all the missing shore birds. The California Least Tern and Snowy Plover are almost gone. I don’t think they’ve moved to the desert with all the gay people. The Sandpiper, namesake of a famous bar, is almost gone as well. But there are more whales and dolphins to be seen. Maybe they’re eating the birds.
When we got to Le Plage Principale, I noticed all the smelly people usually hanging out there were gone. No more swooping flocks of pigeons being fed bread crumbs that the people make out of loaves the Christians bring them. There’s an endless supply, bread from Christians.
Now Le Plage Principlae is full of gendarmes on patrol in golf karts. With their black uniforms and black leather boots they’re like something out of Le Keystone Cops Flicks. Maybe they look funny, but they’re meant for us to feel safer by abating petty crime. It seems to be working. The question is, how long can it last?
J.J. Gasparotti moved to Laguna Beach with his family when he was 11 years old. He has loved it ever since.
