Letter: Recommendations for New Ordinances

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I want to send heartfelt congratulations to our City Council for standing firm against mylar balloons. It’s about time we had an anti-balloon ordinance. Instead of undergrounding all overhead wires and bringing out City into the 20th century, you made another law aimed at restricting our behavior that you have no hope of enforcing. That way, you appear to be doing something while actually not doing anything at all. City hall at its finest.

I move you establish an ordinance to stop all bad behavior in Laguna. Perhaps even a special jail. Like if you’re charging too high prices for sweaters or glasses – right to jail. If you undercook fish – jail. If you make an appointment with a dentist and you don’t show up – jail. Laguna Beach would have the best patients because of jail.

By the way, what’s the new 10 code for illegally deployed balloons? Will the police carry a tiny dart gun on their utility belts for balloon bearing scofflaws? What if someone, seeking a loop hole, inflates a latex condom with helium? Is that a de facto balloon? 

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. A condom is not a balloon. Inflating a condom with helium does not change a condom into a balloon any more than putting helium into your sedan makes your car the Goodyear Blimp. My client is innocent of these charges. Innocent I say. I rest my case.”

“Patrol 1, we’ve got a birthday party at Main Beach with an approximately 5-year-old girl spotted with 5, that’s five-o, balloons in her left hand. She’s wearing a pink feathered tiara, bright green dress, and white sneakers. Suspect moving northwest on the boardwalk with around 10 accomplices. Advise use caution. Wear eye and ear protection. Balloons can pop loudly and fragment. Dispatching police van as a precaution.” 

New electronic signs at the city entrance could say, “Balloons will be popped.” Or, you could add a giant electronic sign at the city entrances saying, “Leaf blowers – not enforced. Littering – not enforced. Destroying tide pools – not enforced. Drones – not enforced. Smoking – not enforced. Loud vehicles – not enforced. Plastic bags and straws – not enforced. Parking – not enforced. We will pop your balloons, though.” 

I like the last one because it will give us all something to read while we wait in traffic caused by the pedestrian sign at LCAD or by a minor fender bender. 

Michael Rybah, Laguna Beach

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