Oneth by Land

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

The British et al. are coming. The British et al. are coming. Oneth by land. Twoth by sea. Threeth by trolley. Yikes, another summer season is upon us, and there will be visitors everywhere, including our parking spaces. What limey nerve. Keep stiff upper lips residents. Show the Brits what we’re made of.  Keep parking on the right.

I’ve been getting a flood of mail from concerned Indy readers. Mary wrote, “Dear Pet Peeves, quit shouting the British are coming. I live in a Quiet Zone. I’m calling the police now.” Anonymous Al Dimbulb wrote, “Dear Pet Peeves, I got a peeve to pick with you. Quit shining that lantern in my window at night. There’s a light ordinance. I’m calling the police now.” And the police stated, “You have the right to remain silent.  The police are here now.”

I have a confession to make. The police were surprised I caved. According to authorities, my confession to quit complaining was the fastest on record. Before the Miranda rights were finished, I handed in a signed confession notarized by Laguna’s favorite lawyer, Harry Moaks. “This confession is just what the department needed,” remarked a police spokesman. “Shows residents were on top of things. Morale has been down since the city came in second for water conservation after Crete, Nebraska, this year.”  According to police sources, Crete won by dirty tactics. The Cretins don’t bathe,” squeaked the spokesman holding his nose.

“I tried talking Crantz out of confessing,” explained his attorney, “but he likes talking too much. Sentencing guidelines indicate, he’ll get 10 to 20 years of solitary confinement for defaming Laguna visitors.” Moaks paused and added,  “Of course, I plan to plea bargain for a life sentence for the sake of the community. We don’t need visitors who bring wads of money to spend hearing snide remarks about them.” In a courtroom first, attorneys switched sides with Crantz’s defense team asking for extradition back to Britain to face that country’s stiffer defamation guidelines that call for multiple concurrent life sentences. “The more life sentences, the better for Laguna. Trickle up sentencing brings trickle down economics,” explained Moaks, a die-hard Reaganite. Last minute motions by British attorneys blocked extradition and withdrew defamation claims regarding alleged comments made about British vacationers having the world’s skinniest pale legs that never have seen sun or razor. “We want nothing to do with him,” the tabloids were quick to point out. “The Queen Mum hates him. Crantz comes from a long line of British court jesters who don’t have punch lines,” explained Prince Harry over yucky room temperature pints.   According to the besotted Prince, “The royal family prefers Benny Hill and Monty Python. They’re funny. That’s why we knighted them, whereas the Crantz clan was “nighted” off to the penal colony, Australia.  Unfortunately for America, Crantz’s ancestor jumped ship and made his way to Manhattan, where insensitive remarks offended natives there, too. To keep peace, the Pilgrims tarred and feathered the Crantz ancestor and sent him west to clean up his act. Obviously, the current Crantz descendant remains a cretin and awaits sentencing for excessive complaining. So phrases to the wise,  “Welcome visitors.” And to Crete, Nebraska, “Crantz is yours, truly.”

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago.  He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.”  His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

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