Opinion: On the can in Japan

By Billy Fried

I’m high over the Pacific, returning home from a three-week visit to Japan with my daughter. It was my first time back in 41 years, which is reprehensible, considering how much I always loved the place. If it takes another 41 years, it will be over my dead body!

What a beguiling land of enchantment, beauty, and paradox! I don’t think there is a culture that is more refined and civilized yet more burdened with rigid bureaucracy. Sure, their trains run on time, but have you ever tried to buy a ticket? We bought Japan Rail Passes in advance, which were not downloadable or emailed, but physically sent by FedEx. Then we had to activate them when we arrived at the airport, which meant standing in a long line, showing our passports, and enduring an interminable wait while the clerk shuffled an ungodly amount of papers, stamped several of them, and finally issued us flimsy paper ID cards that could have so easily been transmitted online. And if lost would be a crisis.

I won’t bore you with how difficult it was to subsequently put them to use, but it was worth the pain because their trains are the fastest, most comfortable, quiet and clean I have ever been on. You could perform a vasectomy inside them.

You see, if there’s one thing the Japanese absolutely excel at, it’s cleanliness. If we’re number one in customer service, they are numero uno in hygiene. This entire population has OCD. There are more hand sanitizers than humans. Everywhere you look, people are cleaning, sweeping, wiping, brushing, spraying, weeding, pruning, removing their shoes, donning slippers and somehow making trash disappear. Half the population wears masks – even when they’re alone. And they are especially vigorous when cleaning themselves. We spent a lot of time at onsens (hot springs), and the ritual of bathing beforehand was something to behold. Not that I was staring, but the Japanese clean themselves with something close to rapture. They sit on little stools and use soapy wash cloths on every crack and crevice as if they are buffing shoes after a shine. It’s a spiritual experience.

In fact, the Japanese have so perfected the art of hygiene, it may well become their greatest export. Once upon a time, Japan led the automobile industry with its ever-reliable Toyotas and Nissans. But now it’s Tesla. They led the TV industry with Sony and Panasonic, but now it’s Samsung. So I predict that Japan’s greatest export will soon be the mighty toilet. That’s right, this once mundane utility has been transformed into the Apple computer of human waste disposal. Your first encounter is confounding – the seat opens invitingly upon approach, it’s pre-warmed, and a whole bank of switches and buttons that resemble an airplane cockpit await you. They’re written in Japanese, but accompanied by stick figure graphics intended for simpletons. Also known as foreigners.

You quickly discover that the one button that’s missing is the familiar flush. No need to manually do that, you cretin. Sensors take care of it the minute you stand or step away. In its place, there are seat warmers, privacy buttons that emit music to shield you from the embarrassment of unseemly flatulence. There are not one, but two buttons to perform what we call douching. One forward for women, and one aft for the rest of us assholes. It’s warmed, and the first time I tried it, I let out an involuntary squeal. It was a jarring sensation. The next time I kinda liked it. And now I crave it, having discovered that, in fact, toilet paper has never really gotten the job done. Plus a little tickle is a great way to start the day.

After mastering the rudimentary models, I then encountered what could only be described as the Maybach of toilets, the Gulfstream of loos, the Riva of latrines. It was in a luxury hotel, and in quick summation, the following functions were just a pushbutton away: Seat Open/Close, Flush, Light flush, Eco flush, Position, Rear/soft, Front/wide, Pulsate, Oscillate, Pressure, Stop, Please Stop and Don’t Ever Stop (OK I added those last two). But perhaps the biggest single breakthrough was the Dryer function. Where, oh where have you been? So much chafing avoided. So many trees saved.

I’m convinced that Toto toilets have a chance at world domination. Just as Steve Jobs predicted a personal computer in every home, every household will have a Toto. They are the most exciting export this country has had since ramen.

My only frustration is that I didn’t get to use them enough. That low-fiber, high-protein Japanese diet is delicious, but it made me irregular. That’s uncomfortable in and of itself. But missing out on daily, warm anal cleanings, set to music, was like going to Disneyland and not getting on any of the rides. Next trip to Japan I’m definitely bringing Metamucil.

Billy is the Chief Experience Officer at La Vida Laguna and as of May 1, the CEO of KXRN, Laguna’s Community Radio. At which point, he promises no more toilet humor. He can be reached at [email protected].